The Only Guarantee We Have Is Uncertainty

Why is it that just as things get good, they come to an end?

This is a question I’ve pondered many times throughout my life, as I’ve had to say goodbye to people, places, and experiences that I was just starting to love.

You see, I like change – when I am the one deciding just how and when it is going to happen.

But when change comes around and I am happy just the way things are, I fear it like it’s the kiss of death.

It kills me to think that we will never get these exact moments in time back. Sure, we may promise to remain friends or revisit a particular place, but it will never be the same. Everything is circumstantial and who we are or how we feel in those certain moments will never be able to be replicated again. It just so happens that the stars align at certain times and we get to share our lives with people who are meant to be in them.

And then, just as fast and as forceful as the overwhelming feeling of gratitude and contentment that everything is the way it’s supposed to be happens, our experiences come to an end. They are finished, and there is nothing you can do to stop the end from happening.

I recently experienced this when I finished my last semester of college. My last semester was truly a time of fun, and of realizing that this experience would all be over soon. It was a semester of coming from a place of yes – living out every adventure I could have, and every friendship I could experience while it was still available.

Most importantly in that last semester of college, I met my person. I met the person who set out on this “yes” journey with me, and who, as the days went on, I slowly realized I was falling in love with.

Now, I am leaving the country in a month and I must say goodbye to her. Just as I am realizing how invested I am in our relationship, and how confident I am in how much I want to be with her, I am leaving. And it makes me so angry and upset to realize that once again, just as things are getting good, they’re coming to an end. Like a door slamming in my face.

And I can’t relive this experience or ever have it back.

It just so happened that we were in the right place at the right time in our lives to give this a shot. And truth be told, if circumstances were any different we probably wouldn’t be together. Our story is fragile, it’s both of us naively choosing to say yes to a relationship that in all ways is inconvenient and unconventional. But as we grow older and we meet more people, as our lives play out halfway across the world from each other and we both experience the worst kind of heartbreak, I’m not sure how we’ll manage to hold on. And I know these changes are bound to happen, leading me to believe that this is the only time in my life when I can call her mine.

I want nothing more than to freeze this moment in time. I want to take all this sunshine and happiness and all these warm fuzzy feelings I have for her and put them in a jar so I can feel all these things again. I want to know that I can be this happy again in my life.

But the only guarantee I have right now is uncertainty.

Maybe someday I will have experiences that won’t just be flickering moments of happiness in my life. Maybe when something is really good, it will stay good. For now, I just have to try to accept that this fairytale is almost over. And I must appreciate every moment I have before it too ends.