The Reality Of Realty: The Lies Within The Listings

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I feel like the story of my life (well, one of the many sagas) is apartment hunting. It’s pretty much a constant, with the exception of a few leases I fulfilled. It’s not as if I’m a nomad, or enjoy packing up and moving every year. It’s just that with every apartment I’ve lived in since I moved out on my own eight years ago, there have inevitably been circumstances that prompted me to have to pack everything into boxes and do it all again. Maybe it’s my karma, or just bad luck. Either way, it’s a pretty disheartening venture. And because I’ve been on the prowl for a new place pretty consistently over the past few years, my eye has become trained to see the truth beneath a sugar-coated rental ad. Here are some things I’ve deduced about a few common terms found in apartment listings.

THE CLAIM vs. THE REALITY

The Claim: Victorian.
The Reality: Old.

The Claim: Charming.
The Reality: Hasn’t been remodeled since the people who lived in it wore bonnets and bustles.

The Claim: Cozy.
The Reality: Still haunted by the aforementioned people.

The Claim: Modern.
The Reality: Has parking; maybe a dishwasher.

The Claim: Safe.
The Reality: Way out of your price range. Period.

The Claim: Quiet.
The Reality: Out in the boondocks.

The Claim: Sparkling Pool.
The Reality: There’s a body of water somewhere near the premises. (Could be a pond.)

The Claim: 24-hour gym.
The Reality: One small room in the main office with a treadmill, a yoga mat, a TV and 5 People magazines from 1998.

The Claim: Secure.
The Reality: Pay no attention to the bars on all the windows.

The Claim: No Stairs!
The Reality: No elevator, either. Learn to levitate.

The Claim: Short-Term Leases Available!
The Reality: …For an extra $200 a month.

The Claim: Free Heat for Your First Month!
The Reality: Only applicable if you move in between the months of May-August.

The Claim: Furnished.
The Reality: Previous tenant left their stuff there, and it’s in decent condition.

The Claim: Spacious.
The Reality: We can at least promise you won’t hit your head on the ceiling.

The Claim: Condo.
The Reality: That rent figure you see? It’s really the weekly rate.

The Claim: Easy Access to Transportation.
The Reality: You’re located next door to, on top of, or underneath the damn T-station.

The Claim: Up and Coming Neighborhood!
The Reality: You won’t get a single night’s sleep.

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image – Joshua Scott Kowaleski