The Secret Of One-Way Time Travel

Sometimes I like to live on the edge. And by living on the edge, I mean like walking down the street-facing side of the sidewalk, unaccompanied. Outright dangerous? Not really. Looked down upon in a courtship manual from the ‘50s? Yeah, probably.

One Sunday night I could not go to sleep. This is not out of the ordinary for me. I am a licensed insomniac. I can practice in every state except sane. My desire for sleep overpowered my logic and convinced me to take a sleeping pill at 2 a.m.

I have heard that scientists are still looking for ways to time travel. This is completely unnecessary. All they need to do is take sleeping pills.

I was automatically teleported to 11 a.m the next morning. No pit stops or layovers in my unconscious state. My alarm was a distant memory. Unfortunately, work still does exist in the future, which I can confirm for the scientists.

If only there was a pill to slingshot you back into the past just as quickly. I want to go back and experience the “good old days,” but bypass the bad haircuts and bullying. Just like one would bypass a shady motel or a van with a visual roster of familial passengers and a sticker requesting to “ask me about my Pit Bull Terrier.”

I guess some medicine like that does exist. Tums exists solely to help you forgive yourself for eating that extra rack of ribs. Lactaid helps you pretend like you have the ability to consume froyo without rocketing up to another layer of the atmosphere. (Maybe we could throw the scientists a bone by recommending the lactose intolerant as an alternative organic source of rocket fuel. They are not going to stop eating cheese or ice cream. And I don’t blame them. They might as well receive compensation from NASA to help support their painful dairy addictions.) Aleve, Advil, and Tylenol all exist because we humans don’t know when to stop ourselves and refuse to acknowledge our limits. We will tootsee roll and pop, lock, and drop it until we have to admit baby’s got an old back now and can’t back that thang up anymore.

I guess the secret of one-way time travel is safe with me for now. The past is the past and there’s no need to go back and be all awkward all over again. I have the whole future ahead of me to throw into hyperdrive. Hopefully I will wake up with my alarm next time instead of with Drew Carey on the Price is Right. Because of two reasons:

I like having a job.

No one needs to see that show anymore. Respect Bob Barker, the O.G.