The Smartest Way To Take Revenge On Your Ex


Step 1: Cry

Cry like you were just pushed out of the tightest vagina on earth, like you just banged your little toe on every piece of furniture at IKEA, like you just accidentally peeled that skin next to your pinky finger’s nail. Just let it all out.

Call your bestfriend and dump everything on them for 4 hours, then come to their house anyway. Eat ice cream and stream shitty rom-coms on Netflix while crying and fighting all the urges to contact your dumb ex.

Spend the next few days repeating all this, or remain on bed feeling like the biggest loser of all time. It’s all okay. Take as much time as you need. Look as ugly as you please. Know that when you’re done with this, you will come out stronger and better.

Step 2: Stop crying and wear your poker bitch face

Yes. That sexy, badass bitch face. Be the cold bitch you always wish you had been and cut all the contacts. Delete number. Block on all social media. Bury all the evidences of their existence. Detach yourself from any mutual friend if there is. Stay away from alcohol or any places that could potentially remind you of them.

Release feelings privately. If necessary, write them all down in a notebook and burn them afterwards. Basically just don’t let anyone know or see your reactions. Keep your cool. Repeat this “I’m a rock. I’m stone. I’m the unbroken surface of a lake. All that ripples, I absorb.” — it’s hard now but you will be very relieved and proud of yourself later.

Step 3: Take excellent care of your body

Change your eating habits. Work out. Pay attention to style. Follow beauty and fashion bloggers. Have a skin care routine. Sleep early, sleep long. Drink more water. More, more. Treat this as a hobby. A job. A religion. Be absolutely serious and committed.

Study your body and learn everything you could — from what looks good on you and what not to how your body responds to what you eat. Learn to cook like your mom. Tell yourself this will pay off in no time and smirk like a cocky motherf*cker.

Take a walk everyday to clear your mind. Welcome good thoughts and get rid of bad ones. Realize Iggy big booty actually got a point – you’ve just got one less problem.

Step 4: Focus on your career and make shit loads of $$$

Get back to your desk. Think about what you really, really want to do with your life and do it. If not figured out it yet, take up new hobbies, meet new people, ask for opportunities and take risk. Grow a thick skin. Take interest in money because it’s practical and because you are smart.

Consider selling your soul to it, but then re-evaluate your life choices and decide to go after a lifestyle you desire instead. Still aim for the best though because you want to challenge yourself, see how far you could go, how high you could reach.

Feel powerful and invincible. Become wiser and smarter. Make more $$$. Save $$$. Invest $$$. Grow $$$. Have both feet firmer on the ground. Be thankful for the push.

Step 5: Have fun and spend your $$$ on yourself

Adapt the cliche motto “Work hard, play hard.” Live your life to the fullest. Take pleasure from daily mundane activities and realize they are actually interesting and relaxing. Embrace who you are. Look into the mirror and say, hey sexy, you’re damn great.

Spend time with friends, family and fun strangers because it’s fun and you’re spontaneous at heart. Feel the love around you. Appreciate and celebrate life. Invest in yourself in and out. Mentally and physically. Spiritually and sexually.

Travel and do crazy things. Be friends with the cool peeps. Date the good lookers. Fuck the hotties. Take your bestfriend out to make up for all the mental torture they had to suffer because of your drama in step 1 and 2. Have an ah moment, “Ah, life is great.”

Step 6: Give yourself a high five and have another ah moment, ah now your ex is nothing but irrelevance.

Look at the past and smile in relief. Realize you’ve completely let go of what happened and you’ve become a much better person. Realize everyone comes to your life with a purpose and that person’s was to teach you how to let go and love yourself.

Realize you weren’t the right person yourself. Realize it wasn’t anyone’s fault. Realize you’ve done what you could at any given time and there’s now only this present to make the most of.

Laugh at the idea of taking revenge. Laugh at having ever been angry, miserable, eating ice cream in sweatpants with smudged mascara all over your face. Laugh at life. Laugh at being young.

Love being young. Kind of love being heartbroken. Love this feeling of being strong again.

Love being strong. Love being yourself. Love loving yourself. Love your life.

Step 7: Continue living, laughing, loving…

That’s enough said.