The Spookiest Thing Coming Out This October Is My Profound Existential Dread


Finally, it’s October! My favorite month for busting out some thick turtlenecks, wool socks, scary movies!!, and for having epic existential meltdowns over almost everything.

I’ve been really looking forward to this fall because the next season of Stranger Things is being released on Netflix and I am once again reminded of the mundane and repetitive nature of time and my existence and how I haven’t accomplished anything important or remarkable since I watched the last season of Stranger Things.

I also am sooooo excited for the weather to start cooling down in New York and for realizing that almost no conversation or activity is truly capable of being care-free or absent-minded anymore — like, my friend’s boyfriend just brought up how he thinks kneeling during the national anthem is disrespectful and wrong while we were getting drinks and no one really said anything that would necessarily prompt him to share that opinion, he just took the leap while he was ordering a round and might as well have said something like “my allergies are acting up” — that’s how dismissively he said it — and now I’m staring at everyone around me at this bar and wondering how we’re not all on the same page about these types of things and when I asked my friend if she ever spoke to her boyfriend about politics she said no because it’s too uncomfortable but I don’t understand how that’s possible because politics seems to somehow seep into every crevice of my life on a regular basis to the point where I’m almost always on the edge of sheer hysteria over the apocalyptic and backwards nature of the world right now.

Also Pumpkin Spiced Lattes are back, shut up and take my money Starbucks!!!!!!!!!

And Kylie Jenner just announced she’s pregnant which eclipsed the entirety of my Friday afternoon and I read a solid three articles on the topic without a second thought and then completely spiraled downwards into a pit of despair because recently I’ve been punishing myself for not staying on top of all the news that’s happening and my ratio of Kylie Jenner articles to articles about the earthquake in Mexico are completely skewed in favor of the Kardashians which makes me question whether I am actually a good person — but usually I am exclusively only reading bad news, so can I just have this one thing!? So then I looked up where to donate money to help out the areas recently impacted by natural disasters and half of the internet is saying I should donate to the Red Cross and other half are like DO NOT DONATE TO THE RED CROSS THEY ARE EVIL and I’m sorry, has everything always been this complicated?

Holy shit, who else feels like crying all the time? And who else has their Halloween costume picked out already? I’m going to go as a ghoul!

Anyway, aren’t the smells of fall really great too? The crisp air always reminds me of starting school and renewal and getting a fresh start and — this is completely unrelated, but someone emailed me the other day saying I was super ignorant for writing articles that didn’t address what was going on in the world and that I was a waste for not reporting the news and I wanted to email them back asking if they were contacting the correct person because I am literally only vaguely known on the internet for publishing two very hated articles about generic white people names and that one listicle about my parents and is it now my responsibility to start writing think pieces about the downfall of Earth, because I can barely stay on top of it for myself, let alone be so perfectly informed and sane enough to write something articulate enough to be published — so if anyone has any tips or photos of dogs in Halloween costumes, please email me.