The Standards On This Public Bus Are Not Low Enough


Good afternoon, fellow bus passengers! Who’ve we got today? Sleeping lady, check… too-loud headphones guy, check… excuse me, ma’am? This is really embarrassing but, could you please quit it with the texting? Just… call the person you’re texting so that everyone can hear all about your extremely personal business. Surely whatever you have to say can be said aloud, for the entire bus to hear. A general bus rule is that we talk, very loudly, on our cellphones. We do not text. Are you new here? It’s OK. Just don’t let it happen again.

Man with his briefcase considerately stowed beneath his seat, what are you doing? Do you have something to hide? Please put your briefcase on the empty seat next to you so that a passenger can’t sit there. Stretch your legs out, too, while you’re at it. This is very bush-league stuff, sir. Look alive. Actually no, look dead. Much better.

Lady clipping her fingernails, may I ask you for the time? It’s noon, huh? Because from my vantage point, it seems to be amateur hour. What would possess you to clip your fingernails on a public bus? You should be clipping your toenails. It’s as though none of you have rode the bus before. Where is your sense of indecency?

Don’t shrink away now, boy eating sunflower seeds. I already saw you. Are you eating the shells? Give me those. Let me show you how it’s done. See that? Empty shell goes on the floor of the bus. Not through your digestive system. That is dangerous. I mean come on, kid. It says it plain as day on the wrapper: eat, spit, be happy. Where were you raised? A two-car household? Get it together.

And Miss? Is that your peaceful baby fast asleep in its stroller? You mind stirring it up a little? Don’t shake it too hard. I’ve seen CSI, I know how that ends. Just give it a jingle-jangle so that it sobs a bit. This ride won’t be complete without your screaming, insane baby contributing to the cacophony. I mean it. I can tell that your baby is the missing link. Just… give it a shove in the right direction. Not too hard. Yes, yes. Perfect.

Mister, I have to ask what you’re looking at. Do I have four head — oh. Ohhh. I get it. You’re playing the role of creepy-staring guy. I like it. Keep up the good work. Maybe all hope for the public transportation system isn’t lost, after all.

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