The Truth About Bras And Dogs

My Chihuahua Wagandstuff almost didn’t make it to his 7th birthday because of a bra. About a year and a half ago, I took my bra off after work and hung it up on the handle of my bedroom door because I’m lazy. But like, all girls do that from time to time, right?

Anyway, that night I was woken up at about 4 AM by sound of choking. I consider this to be a miracle because I’m a sleeper. Like, that’s my thing that I do and I do it really well and I’m just exceptional at it. I take drugs to be better at sleeping. I consider myself a professional. It was this small little choking sound but it woke me up.

Immediately I noticed that Wagandstuff wasn’t in the bed. He always sleeps behind my knees or under my arm along my stomach. He feels like a loaf of bread fresh out of the oven. Then, half asleep I realized that it had to be him choking so my heart went in my throat and I ran out of bed and frantically flicked the light on and I saw one of the scariest and most bizarre things I’ve ever seen: Wags was suspended from the ground by his neck on my twisted bra. His little face was puffy. He looked desperate.

I ran over to him to release him from this sexy noose he’d made for himself but he’d really done it up right. The bra had probably been twisted in the same direction upwards of 50 times. I really would guess 50. I picked him up so he wouldn’t stay danglin’ and somehow managed to grab the scissors on the table in my front hall. My freak limbs probably helped.

Obviously my dog is alive or I wouldn’t be able to write this because I’d have killed myself (for real, what the fuck are we all going to do when our pets die?) but he did wind up having a huge lump on his neck that required antibiotics. But guys? It was one of the craziest things that’s happened in my seven years of mothering him and this dude’s put me through the ringer. He faked a broken leg for two months.

The big issue here for me though is like, who knew? I know not to feed him grapes and onions. I know that Benadryl is mostly safe for him to eat. I know that I need to hand feed him or his disgusting gluttony will get even more out of control. The world of dog ownership is something that I’m pretty well-versed on and I’d never heard, “don’t leave your bra hanging on a doorknob because your tiny dog could accidentally stick his head through the strap and get mixed up trying to get out and walk in fifty cute little circles until he’s dead.”

So I needed to share this because it’s important. “It was Molly McAleer, everybody. She was the geen to find out the hard way that dogs can die because of bras and handed that information out to the world and she’s super pretty.” That’s what you can say to your friends. I’m kind of like the scientist who figured out that the plastic loops between cans are exactly the size of a dolphin snout. I’m saving lives. Dog lives, cat lives, possibly bunny lives. It’s very exciting to think about.