The Truth About Trying To Change The People We Love


Perhaps you may relate to the following scenario: you have met someone you are falling for or have already fallen into a relationship. You love the same music, laugh at the same TV shows, read the same books and eat the same kind of food. Your conversations are endless and your chemistry is off the charts.  And everything would be absolutely perfect if the object of your affection would just change that one thing that really bothers you.  I am not talking about habits that annoy you or imperfections that the person has.  It’s the thing that keeps you up at night and creates endless anxiety. It’s the thing that causes you to feel insecure about yourself or the relationship.  It’s the thing that has you attempting to renegotiate your own values.

What keeps you there is the belief that you can change the person. That your love is the magic potion that will save or transform him or her.  You see their potential. Your heart is not logical, it just feels what it feels and all of a sudden you are smitten.  And often the smitten can be so intoxicating that the sobering smell of the truth is ignored.

Which brings me to today’s podcast session with Linsey who is in a relationship with a functional alcoholic and hoping that if only he would change, things would get better.  She loves him and believes that if he can change they may be able to take their relationship to the next level.

But as you may already suspect, what we’ll discover in the coaching session is that Linsey’s discontent really has very little to do with him.

As you are listening to this call consider the following:

  1. Are you in a relationship with someone hoping that they change and if they did everything would just get better?
  2. Are you in a relationship with someone who is an addict? Or are you an addict or using some kind of external coping mechanism like alcohol, pot, TV, food, or work to numb your feeling or distract you from dealing with something you do not want to face?
  3. Do you acknowledge that you may have some co-dependent tendencies?
  4. Are you allowing beliefs like “I’m running out of time” to influence major life decisions like getting married or having children?
  5. Is your ego having a bit of a dark night and would you like to feel more connected to your soul?

Please be sure to listen to my breakdown after the call because the coaching direction is different in this episode is different than you may expect.

And my biggest reminder to you from this episode is that you cannot change people.  Yes the changes we make often catalyze a change in another, but please do not change with the attachment to change someone else.

Stay on YOU. Change for YOUR growth. Heal YOUR issues.  Treat YOUR addictions.  YOU are the source of your fulfillment which is great news because you are the only person that you can change!