These Are The Things I Wanted To Tell You

1. I think about you more than I let on. There is temporary forgetting in studying, in listening to music, in going about mundane everyday tasks. But the real danger is in idleness – in that moment when I first open my eyes or when I am about to lull myself to sleep, in the in-betweens and the moments when I am left alone with my thoughts.

2. There is an elephant in every room you and I are both in. The air between us speak volumes of what I want to say, but I’d rather keep to myself – what was the point in saying them anyway? It will never change a thing. But do you feel it too? Does it feel like you are also about to choke with every breath we both take in the same atmosphere?

3. You leave a tangible, heavy emptiness in your place – I could feel your presence in your very absence. My eyes are drawn toward that empty chair you left ever since I let my feelings slip. The very emptiness haunts and taunts me of what we did, what we are, what cannot and will not be.

4. I don’t want to look at you anymore. I don’t want to look you straight in the eye – I am afraid of what turmoil you might see in my own eyes. It is so much easier to look at you in unexpected moments: when you are writing, when you are listening to somebody else, when you are dozing off. Any other time, just not when you are looking at me.

5. Do you feel how electric your touch is? Even the air you stir feels like it would set my skin on fire – how much more when you brush against me, or when you give a small nudge when you want your presence acknowledged? The air crackles and sparks and how I wish it wouldn’t.

6. Do you know how beautiful you are? Does she know how lucky she is? The stars clearly do align – they just do not align for me. Maybe in another parallel universe, they align for us, but not in this one. In this universe there is a you and her, and there is only loneliness reserved for me.

7. When will I stop throwing myself into things that will only hurt me? You never play with fire, unless you are prepared to burn yourself. You never enter a battlefield and leave unscathed. Shame, how I am the one walking away with so many burns, so many wounds.

8. Indifference is key. I opt to never reveal my emotions, not when even your presence rocks me down to my very core. Maybe, if I never ask for your attention, then that’s when you would pay attention – or so they say. Maybe.

9. I am tired of wanting you. I am tired of chasing you. I am weary of the pretense, of the sleepless nights, of the thinking and wondering. I am weary of convincing myself you love me back – because you never will. I was someone to kill time with, someone who was there where she isn’t, someone to fill her place. Temporary. The other option. Someone to come to and leave.

10. There is no choice but to let it go. Let go of the person who wasn’t mine in the first place. How ironic – why do some things feel like they ended without even beginning?