They Think I’m Better, But The Truth Is, I’m Still Broken

This is how I feel today.

I’ve been waking up lately with a heavy heart and a lump in my throat. That familiar feeling of inevitable sadness greets me when I first open my eyes, taunting and teasing me as it usually does, reminding me that this is how I will be going through the motions of my day. It stays with me as I roll out of my bed and brush my teeth, as I stare in the mirror and see how the bags under my eyes are heavy and permanent.

My eyes are slightly bloodshot from the tears that fell the night before, but that’s nothing out of the ordinary. I take a hot shower; I turn it up hoping that one day the water may magically cleanse me of this pain. No one can hear me if a tear falls, and that’s how I like it.

I sit on the train, facing a lady ready to start her day. I wonder how she’s feeling today. I close my eyes when that familiar feeling creeps back in again, when my chest feels tight and I feel like I can’t breathe. I tell myself to go through the usual routine. Fists clenched, eyes snapped shut and shallow breaths trying to fight the emotion away. I try to force myself to sleep and hope that it passes.

I sit facing the monitor, and type away temporarily distracted. Soon enough I feel like I need to make an escape. I quickly pace to the bathroom, and lock myself in where I feel safe. I close my eyes, take some deep breaths and I walk out of there like nothing just happened.

The bus home feels lonely and empty. The familiar pang seeps its way in and despite the music blasting in my ears, I’m now free to confront my inner most thoughts. No more distractions to keep me occupied. My mind goes into overdrive. ‘When will this feeling go away?’ ‘Will it ever go away?’ ‘Please make it disappear soon, I don’t know if I have any tears left to cry and I don’t want to feel this way anymore.’

Yet, I still find myself in a dark room at night time and time again, my cheeks wet and I feel so alone. Everyone thinks I’m better again, but how do you tell them that you’re not? That you’re still broken, even though you thought you weren’t? Will they listen, will they care? Sometimes I need someone to hug me, someone to tell me that this can be fixed and that soon I won’t feel like this. Is anyone there? Because this is how I feel today, and this is how I will feel tomorrow and I’m not sure I’m strong enough to handle it on my own.