Things An Obnoxious, Twitching Eye Would Probably Say


My eye wouldn’t stop twitching today and I bet that if it had a voice it would probably try to say the following:

1. Turn off your computer and let me roll to the back of your head already. How many times can you switch between your Twitter, JDate, Instagram, and Snap Chat apps before it’s all the same old, boring stuff.

2. I’m spazzing out because we have different taste in guys, Jen, and frankly I’m sick of having to look all googly at these long-haired, tight jean wearing, jobless men who make your heart rev like an F-15 engine.

3. Please stop using eyeliner around my rim. It’s ugly and makes us look like a clown.

4. I can’t believe you forced me to wink at a real, live human being. I thought that face was only reserved for creeps at 4am who are all like if you come over, I promise you won’t regret it ;).

5. It’s time for corrective lenses and you, me, the eye doctor and the man behind the counter at the DMV knows it.

6. If you make me stare at one more piece of gray hair…

7. Body glitter. Really, Jen? Who uses body glitter on a Tuesday? I hope you enjoy seeing tiny particles of gray spots for, like, the rest of your life now.

8. Today, someone spit on me while we rode the Q train into Times Square.

9. I’ve got 99 problems, including onset cataracts, and trying to help you pick out an outfit for Monday night bingo is just not going to be one of them.

10.I’m so over crying about what’s his name. He called to say he doesn’t like us anymore and that we need to grow up.  It’s time to put down the snot filled tissue and dress me up with some MAC eye shadows for a girls night on the town.

11.Was it really necessary for you to crawl all the way underneath the Atlantic Ocean and then BAM! open me up so you can see all the little baby wannabe Nemo fishes swirl around and nibble on some coral?

12.We make a good staring contest team, don’t we?

13.I couldn’t help myself, okay? When the bouncer at Le Bain told us we had to wait at the back of the line, I did a quick middle finger flip of an eye roll.

14. I’m not twitching. I’m twerking. 

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