5 Things I Don’t Want You to Ever Do to Me
By Thoughtis
1. Ask if you can try on my glasses
Here’s something that’s completely uninteresting about me: My vision is terrible. It’s so bad that anytime I’m out and about, someone will inevitably look at my lenses and be like, “Whoa, you’re like really blind!” and I’ll respond with, “Yeah. I like really am.” Then they’ll ask what my prescription is and I’ll say something like, “-8000. I don’t know.” Finally they’ll ask me the most dreaded question ever which is, “Can I try them on for a sec?” I used to say yes and they would put on my glasses and be shocked. “Oh my god. I can’t see anything. Fuck man!” Meanwhile, I would just stand there not being able to see shit while slowly getting a headache and say back, “Yup. I told you. I’m blind.” This exchange became even more frequent when I started to wear a pair of glasses that looked eerily similar to Harry Potter’s. I ordered them four days before I was hit by a car and put them on for the first time in the hospital. With my giant cast, my morphine grin and nightgown, I looked like a total freak.
Even without a morphine drip and hospital fashions, the Harry Potter glasses still made me look a weirdo. But I ended up wearing them for four years anyway. Maybe it was some sort of sentimental attachment that compelled me to do so. It was as if they were a symbol of my survival because if I had died I would never have had the chance to wear them. Or something. I don’t know. The point is that people started calling me Harry Potter everyday and ask if they could try them on. I hated it. I eventually had to start saying no to people because it was getting so damn annoying. F.YI. if you’re blind, it’s not fun to be without your glasses. This one time my lens popped out while I was literally across the street from a Lenscrafter’s and I still managed to trip and eat shit while walking the 100 steps to it. So please don’t take my vision away from me so you can tell me how blind I am. I know. I can’t even see you when you’re telling me I can’t see. (#dark)
2. Give me a hickey
I don’t know what it is about me that invites such poor sexual etiquette but every guy I’ve been with has covered my neck in hickeys. Hickeys are only fun when you’re 16 and need physical proof that you’re hooking up. “Oh my god, look! Someone liked me enough to do this to my body. Jealous?!” Anytime after that though, hickeys are tramp stamps done to you by a thoughtless lover. They represent sexual immaturity, four mojitos and a moment of inattentiveness. I dated a boy for three months who I sort of treated like crap and as a form of passive-agressive revenge, he would give me so many hickeys on my neck. That’s right. Hickeys in your twenties are a form of revenge, not affection.
3. Peer pressure me into doing drugs
I’m a man with specific vices. I don’t venture much into other drug neighborhoods, I’m content with staying on my cul-de-sac and don’t like it when people want me to explore new hoods. I remember one night when my friend tried to pressure me into taking an Adderall. The thought of being denied food and sleep sent chills down my spine and I gave him an emphatic no. He wasn’t satisfied with my answer though and he kept on pestering me to take the pill until I literally had to take the pill and hold it under my tongue while I went to the bathroom to spit it out. Today I would’ve just told him to screw off but this was when I was still very young and had a problem with being assertive. So for the future, don’t ask me to eat something that will make me hallucinate for eight hours. Don’t ask me to watch the sun rise over white lines of fun. Just don’t.
4. Follow Friday me on Twitter without actually following me on Twitter
This requires little explanation. Why do people do this? It boggles my virtual mind. I lose sleep over it, become hysterical, and think about throwing my computer out the window. It’s that serious and bizarre.
5. Try to set me up with your other gay friend
This might come as a shock to some but gay men need to have more in common with someone than just “I like dick” in order to have a relationship with them. I don’t hook up my straight girlfriends with my straight guy friends just because they both prefer the opposite sex. Why won’t people extend the same thoughtfulness to me?!