Things I Wish I Had Told My Dad


Dear Dad,

I have no idea how many times I have still tried calling you, before realizing I can never call you again. How many times I have broken down on the floor, crying begging for you not to give me up. But you were already gone. There are so many things I have always wanted to tell you. To ask you. To apologize for. What was your life like before you had me? What were your dreams? Your ambitions? What did you dislike? Sometimes I feel like I didn’t even actually know who you were as a person. You were just my dad. I didn’t think you had a normal life before me. You were just always my dad.

I am sorry for not laughing harder at all of your goofy jokes. I am sorry for ignoring you sometimes. I am sorry for being angry sometimes. I am very sorry I told you I hate you once. I am sorry for all the misunderstandings.  I am sorry I never really apologized for any of that. I am sorry for not telling you, why you had hurt me. I am sorry for not being there for you, when you got sick.

Why didn’t I ever tell you that I forgave you?

How unfair that your time was cut short. You will never be able to see your daughter graduate from university, meet the right guy and get married. You won’t be able to dance with me on my wedding day. You won’t be able to disapprove or support my decisions. You won’t be able to witness the birth and life of your grandchildren.

How I wish I could turn back time, in order to tell you how much I love you. How much I am sorry for all the things I said or didn’t say. How much I am sorry for not calling you back before you left us.

I miss listening to old music with you. I miss your laugh. Your goofy humor. Your face. Your hugs. Oh, how I miss you.

I am the old soul I am today, because of you. Thank you for being my dad. Thank you for loving me, the best way you knew how. I love you.

We’ll see each other again one day.