Things That Turn Me On


It turns me on when someone doesn’t have a Facebook or know what’s going on in the internet world. If you ask me, “What’s Google Plus?”, I will get down on one knee and propose to you right that second. Not knowing the internet means that if/when we break up, you actually will disappear. I won’t have to worry about seeing you pop up on my newsfeed kissing your new boyfriend. You’ll fade away like ex lovers used to do, like they’re supposed to do.

It turns me on when someone has a great laugh, which is so ridiculously cheesy but whatever I DIDN’T MAKE THE RULES. If you have a cute sexy laugh, I will dedicate almost all of my energy to cracking jokes in hopes that you will bless me with that beautiful sound. And then I’ll want to have sex with you. You can’t laugh during sex though. That would make me feel bad.

It turns me on when someone knows how to do stuff. I’m not referring to just handyman kinds of skills (although that would be nice), I’m talking about someone who’s a quick learner, who has random talent and skill. As someone who only knows how to write, I’m in awe of people who know how to do…anything really. I’m not choosy. Know how to tie a knot. Know the square root of 4,292. Anything. I only know how to have feelings so I’m easily impressed.

It turns me on when someone has power. I wish this wasn’t true because it feels so gross and empty but I can’t help it. Have a great job, get me into that restaurant, be in charge, know “the right people”, take care of things. See? It sounds terrible. Why does that give me a boner?

It turns me on when someone has a clean room and pays their bills on time and maybe even has a 401k. I used to not care about any of those things, I used to get turned on by slobs and late rent and unemployment checks. Not anymore. I don’t want no scrubs. Buy me a Waldorf salad please

It turns me on when someone is genuinely nice without being boring, loves their parents, gives big tips, makes fun of me mercilessly, has a big butt (I like them and I cannot lie), doesn’t care about The Kardashians, hates nightclubs, loves me, listens to good music and actually doesn’t care about his image. I’m pretty sure these are universally adored traits so I’m basically screwed. Must not care about the internet and be a nice person? Okay, let me just go into a babe time machine back to the 1950s.

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image – Freaks & Geeks