Things You Only Talk About With Your Best Friend While At The Nail Salon
Lady crushes
BFF1: I would go gay for Ellen Page. Like, all the way.
BFF2: Like sex, gay or like hold hands and deeply enjoy her sarcasm, gay?
BFF1: I’ll have to think about it.
BFF2: Sometimes I think my yoga teacher is a goddess and that I’d go gay for her, but I think I just want to be her. Do you know what I mean?
BFF1: Yes! Like Emma Stone or Sienna Miller!
BFF2: No, I’d go sex gay for Sienna Miller.
Celebrity gossip
BFF1: Poor John Travolta probably just wants to take off his toupee and be gay.
BFF2: He can’t though. His Scientologist advisor won’t let it happen.
BFF1: I don’t think you should say that out loud. I don’t want to get kidnapped or murdered.
BFF2: You’re right. Okay, code word: potato.
BFF1: I heard Madonna’s a really strict potato, too. I wonder what she’s hiding.
BFF2: No, that’s Kabbala!
BFF1: Oh yeah those dope red bracelets!
Sexploration
BFF1: My friend Jesse from LA told me about these things called “poop noodles”…
BFF2: I don’t think I want to kno-
BFF1: It’s when a guy gets poo-
BFF2: Stop. I can’t.
BFF1: Well anyway it’s a thing. So that’s why I’m never letting anyone back there.
BFF2: Gross, I just got the chills. I’m clenching.
BFF1: There’s also this thing about lettuce-
BFF2: NO.
Your other friends behind their backs
BFF1: Jenna is so desperate for a serious boyfriend you can like smell it on her.
BFF2: She’s too intense though. She gets in her own way.
BFF1: Yeah. Well my New Year’s resolution was to stop talking about her behind her back.
BFF2: That’s so good of you!
BFF1: I’m only saying this out of concern, and I’d totally say it to her face, so this doesn’t count, but: ever since she started getting highlights, her hair looks like she was electrocuted. Like a broom that was on fire. Like cotton candy. Like that little British actress from Kaboom.
BFF2: That’s so sad. She should use Keratin. Juno Temple.
Being poor
BFF1: After this pedicure, I’m really going to start saving and do my own nails.
BFF2: If every day, we just put a dollar in a jar, we could go on a sick trip in like a few months.
BFF1: I don’t think that math is right. Unless we’re taking a bus to my aunt’s house.
BFF2: Okay, like five dollars a day.
BFF1: I literally don’t have five dollars to put in the jar.
BFF2: Have you heard of a foot parlor?
BFF1: Stop.
BFF2: How much tip are you going to leave?
BFF1: $4?
BFF2: *Bashful* I’m leaving $1
*Silent evil laugh*
Engagement rings
BFF1: My fingers are so fat.
BFF2: My hands are like creepishly small.
*Loaded pause*
BFF1: I think it’s so gross that our friends are getting engaged and obsessed with pinterest but like-
BFF2: I am too but, I’m also in love with this vintage Edwardian solitaire I saw the other day.
BFF1: This lady next to me, on the train, had this princess cut diamond on a rose gold band and I almost cried it was so pretty.
BFF2: Just incase anyone ever asks-
BFF1: I’m a 4.5
BFF1: I’m a 5.
BFF1: I have to clear my search history on Instagram more than on Google.
BFF2: What’s in it? I only look at #fitspo and like, myself.
BFF1: Lately, I’m obsessed with Selena & Justin and Kendall Jenner.
BFF2: Pedophile!
BFF1: So gross right?
BFF2: I’m more interested in figuring out ways to post a selfie without it being obviously a selfie, yano?
BFF1: Like, posing with kittens or showing off a necklace or standing with someone ugly?
BFF2: Exactly.
Accomplishments
BFF1: I haven’t texted him all day.
BFF2: It’s 3PM, how often do you usually?
BFF1: By 3PM, usually I’d say anywhere from 5-9 texts.
BFF2: That’s really good, then!
BFF1: I’m proud of myself.
BFF2: I haven’t worn eyeliner in like a month now.
BFF1: You don’t need it!
BFF2: I’m proud of myself, too. It’s also nice not having a perpetually black smudged face towel.
BFF1: Mine used to be brown and orange when I spray-tanned. But I quit that.
BFF2: You don’t need it!