Things You Shouldn’t Care About
By Thoughtis
You shouldn’t care about pop culture to an excessive degree. Read the tabloids, have your opinions, but don’t feel outraged by Natalie Portman’s use of a body double in Black Swan, and don’t say things like, “Angelina would do something evil like that. After what she did to Jen Aniston, who can trust her?” Please don’t ever care about Heidi and Spencer from The Hills. Maintain a healthy distance. Read your blogs, laugh to yourself, feel touched at appropriate moments, Google “Mary-Kate Olsen on drugs” and call it a day. Don’t write mean comments about the girl in Best Coast because it makes you look totally insane.
You shouldn’t care about the weather too much. Yes, it’s cold. Yes, it’s hot. Yes, it’s crisp/foggy/muggy/dewy/humid/beautiful/ugly out. If you get seasonal depression, move to California and no longer have seasonal depression. Presto. Fixed. Bye.
You shouldn’t care about someone who doesn’t care about you. This is actually really hard to do. You can care about someone who once loved you. That’s fine. But don’t care about your next door neighbor who has neglected to water their flowers. Don’t care about the woman at the post office who was curt to you. Don’t care about the butcher at the grocery store who cheated you out of some meat. Sh-sh-shake it off.
Don’t care about what your ex-best friend is doing. They’re probably making you into a voodoo doll and having a seance. They’re probably spreading rumors about the STD you acquired in Cancun. They’re probably spamming your Facebook wall with pictures of Cisco Adler’s donkey balls. (They’re probably not doing any of these things, you paranoid freak!).
Don’t care about drugs too much because they don’t give a flying fuck about you. Drugs are like Regina George from Mean Girls. They fill you up with fake compliments (“Oh my god, you’re so pretty. You’re so confident and cool!”) and then they end up screwing you over completely. When you’re going through your contacts feverishly looking for a dealer, drugs are just sitting back and laughing at you. Drugs are just such assholes. Fuck them before they fuck you.
Don’t care about Mischa Barton. Just kidding. Always care about Mischa!
Don’t care about your crush not texting you back. Someone else will want to sleep with you and love you and text you and baby you and make you feel like a million dollars. Don’t care about the things you’re not getting. Care about the things you have. (After school special.com).
Don’t care too much about the Internet. This is sort of impossible though because the Internet is like the modern-day Jesus Christ. It gives us warm sweet kisses and cold harsh slaps in the face. It is the virtual light at the end of our IRL tunnel. Ew…
Don’t care about the Alexander Wang dress you can’t afford. It will be replicated for cheaper at Forever 21 in two seconds.
Don’t care about the things that will make you feel like shit and the things you cannot change. This can make you a masochist. At the same time, don’t feel guilty for caring about things you shouldn’t care about. Wait, I know that sounds confusing. Care about your ex-boyfriend, Angelina Jolie, an outfit you can’t afford. Dedicate a moment to caring. Drown in it. Soak in it. Live in it. Care some more. And then be done with it. Bye. Bye bye, caring. Hello, perspective and happiness!