Thinkpiece Thursday: Climate Change? Keep The Change. But Don’t Literally Keep It I Want My Change.


It’s Thursday, ya’ll! You know what that means. It’s time for another Thinkpiece Thursday and today I’ll be using my cognitive reasoning abilities to tackle and deconstruct the difficult issue of climate change.

We’ve all heard about it. Hell, some of us have even experienced it. It’s called climate change, and unless you’re a basement dweller or a brave soldier working in an air conditioned predator drone operating facility, you’ve noticed that the weather isn’t quite what it used to be.

Today even, I look outside and it’s raining for some reason. It wasn’t raining yesterday, so even in a twenty four hour window I’ve noticed that the climate has changed to a problematic degree. This is when climate change is most noticeable – when the climate’s doing bad things like snowing on a weekend or when it’s raining when I’m trying to go outside.

But how much of this is the effect of activist judges trying to impose the homosexual agenda on Christian families, and how much of it can just be chalked up to the regular climate change that we’re all used to? After all, isn’t the climate supposed to change? Isn’t that how we have seasons? Well, yes, but that’s an oversimplification of the science and politics behind climate change itself.

What climate change is really about has little to do with the day to day weather. It’s not about temperatures and forecasts as much as it’s about an attempt the keep the Environmental Protection Agency relevant and increase the power of Big Government. Climate change is just a fancy buzz word to cover up what’s really going on: something bad being done by people I don’t like.

Starting in the 1990s, aggressive and morally bankrupt democrats began the climate change narrative under the moniker of global warming. Al Gore used his recently invented internet to perpetuate the myth that things like aerosol cans and big ass trucks were punching holes in something called the “ozone layer” while simultaneously creating another layer that prevents dangerous gasses from escaping the atmosphere. This in turn catalyzed what’s known as the greenhouse effect – where the heat from the sun gets trapped in the atmosphere like a greenhouse, and the planet is heated like a Dutch oven. According to the theory, over time the glaciers would melt and we’d enter another ice age.

But hold on a second Gore – what the hell is the ozone layer? If it’s such a real thing, how come I can’t see it? How come I can not only see the sun, but also the moon and the stars? What are clouds made of? Is hale just big snow? Why are all snowflakes different? Oh what’s that? Don’t have those answers? Didn’t think so.

See, the liberal scientists just throw all of this information at you at once, expecting you to be overwhelmed with information you can’t understand, and agree simply because they are scientists. This is called the Fallacy of Information. Instead of actually looking at the “science” and the “data,” it’s important for us as journalists to look at the motivations and implications of that data, and then we can get a clearer picture as to what these buffoons in Washington are really trying to do.

Think for a second – why are they trying to take our big trucks and aerosol cans? As a southern conservative mom, and a country girl at heart, I can tell you exactly why. Monster trucks are not only illegal for street use, but they are exempt from federal oversight and they are a form of entertainment that the government can’t tax and get their hands on. The democrats in Washington falsely assume that if they use science to dissuade us from driving big monster trucks that our spirits will be broken and we will simply acquiesce to their socialist demands.

And the aerosol? Tell me – what is the one drug that you can get at almost any store and it is essentially free considering you can shop lift it? That’s right – Dust Off and other aerosol based inhalants. Because they serve a practical purpose and because they are the drug of choice among southern, right-leaning families, the dems would find it incredibly difficult to go after and criminalize huffing directly – so they have to make up a bunch of nonsense about mysterious ozone holes and greenhouse gasses.

Guess what, Washington? I got an ozone hole filled with gas for you right here. (Note to readers: I am showing my ass to the computer right now and I’m trying to fart but it’s not working and I don’t want to shit on my laptop again so let’s just say that I ripped a huge one for the sake of the metaphor.)

On top of that, who the hell cares about the polar ice caps melting? Glaciers, are you fucking kidding me? Pardon me if I’m wrong, but didn’t an iceberg cause the sinking of the Titanic – the greatest loss of affluent white American lives (and therefore the greatest loss of lives period) of all time? For conservative white Americans, icebergs basically caused our slavery plus the holocaust, and I’ll be god damned if they’re going to get my sympathy now.

But, despite the obvious political motivations behind all this bunk science – you can’t deny that temperatures are becoming more extreme and the weather is more erratic. Fifteen years ago, we knew what the cause was. It was called El Nino, which is Spanish for “Mexican people’s fault.” Now that we live in a hyper-PC world, and illegal immigrants are beyond reproach, suddenly you don’t hear about El Nino anymore. Suddenly it’s got a new name that strips it of any ethnic responsibility.

We never got a clear answer as to what El Nino actually was. Was it a device? Was it satellites filled with acid rain? Was it something regarding chemtrails? Also, how do you type the hat over the little n? Why do Mexican people get extra letters in their alphabet? That’s not fair. We work harder. These are questions that never got answered – they simply stopped calling it El Nino and blamed climate change on the monster truck and huffing enthusiast set.

That’s how these clowns in Washington operate. They cause a problem, they either blame it on minorities or the working class American people, and then they change the nomenclature whenever you start to sniff them out. It’s undeniable that the climate is in fact changing – but what exactly is causing it? How come we can’t ever hammer down a real answer? Well, that’s because there is no singular answer. Climate change is just another function of an oppressive government hurting the world so that it can control its people. The methodology and motivations change, but the climate change is always there.

In the 1990s, they started heating the world so that they could take our trucks and Dust Off by offering amnesty to millions of illegal immigrants that filled the US air supply with their super-heated nap-breath. Now, it’s pretty clear that Obama is using his excessive vacation time to transport plane-load after plane-load of African air back to the US from his birthplace in Kenya.

Ultimately his goal here is clear: change the climate enough that winter no longer exists. Without winter, we can’t have Christmas, and eventually the entire topography will become more desert-like, and the shift to a Muslim society will take hold. Because of the heat, the evolution of household pets like dogs and cats will super-accelerate, and in the span of five generations your standard calico will more closely resemble a lion. See that dachshund? Look again. It’s a hippo now.

This is all just a push to turn America into a Muslim version of Africa so that Obama and his cronies can feel more at home. Now, of course it won’t come to fruition because the bozo only has two years left in office and he will most certainly be replaced by some draconian awful white man that will use his term to get revenge on the minorities that repressed him for 8 years. If we’ve learned anything though – it’s that no matter what, climate change is here to stay.

So, let’s start a conversation gang. Leave a comment. What do you think our next republican overlord will use climate change for? Perhaps increasing the radiation in the sky, creating a bluer tint and bluer light that will clash with the natural yellow tones of Asians skin – making them look white and helping assimilate them into white American conservative values? That seems like a pretty good guess. That’s the one I’m going with.