This Is For Anyone Who Has Fallen For An Addict

I am not sorry for staying when I should’ve left.

I am not sorry for ignoring the red flags.

I am not sorry for not trusting my gut.

I am not sorry for all the things I didn’t say.

I am not sorry for going against myself.

Sounds crazy, right? My best friend thought so too when I told her all the things you’ve put me through.

But the funniest thing is, all these wrong turns, all the bad decisions I’ve made in order to stay by your side, I am not sorry for.

Does that make me an idiot? Maybe.

But all these wrong turns and bad choices I made when it came to you, brought me back to myself when all was said and done. Like a boomerang. Like the tide that falls away from the shore, no matter what, it always returns to itself.

You allowed me to come back to myself but you also gave me a gift. Despite all the things, you loved me in your own way. You made me feel whole when I felt half. You took all the broken parts of me and kissed them back together. You allowed me to feel accepted for the first time in my entire life.

That doesn’t mean we were healthy. That doesn’t mean we were good for each other. That doesn’t mean you weren’t hiding things from me. That doesn’t mean you weren’t hurting me. Despite all the pain I’ve been through with you, you made me feel love in your own way.

You made me feel how skin must feel when the sun kisses it for the first time. Warm. You made a home out of yourself and invited me to stay.

Would you believe it if I said he was an addict and I was codependent? As unhealthy as our relationship was, you showed me more love than I’ve ever felt in my entire life.

Parts of me will never forgive you. Parts of me will never again see you as the sweet man I first met. But there are other parts of me that thank you for showing me how special I am. For putting the light back inside me.

Many people won’t like what I have to say, that a mentally unstable person put a light back inside me, but it’s true. Despite his addiction, he opened my mind and my heart.

My father was an addict so I can see why I was drawn to you. It makes sense. It makes sense that I would forgive you, I forgave my father many years ago. Addiction is a force more powerful than I will ever understand. It makes people do terrible, awful things to the ones they love.

My father had demons he battled and I know you’re battling your own demons now. It’s something I know all too well which made it that much harder to sit here and say I will always love and cherish you. As bad as it was, I know deep down you’re a good soul, but you’re deeply hurting and a bit confused. I saw the same thing in my dad’s eyes and when I saw glimpses of his soul.

These are the reasons I am not sorry for meeting you. I am not sorry for staying when I should’ve left. I am not sorry. I gained a few lessons and one of the sweetest loves I will hold close to my heart forever.