This Is How I Made A Universe Without You


I know what’s like to have someone to look forward to. To send him a cute puppy videos and funny memes throughout the day, long texts when you need to rant about people just to get through the day, and follow up texts about how you miss them. To wake up in the middle of the night at peace, because you can feel the weight of their body on the other side of the bed, as if just their presence can comfort anything stirring in you.

I also know what it’s like to have your sun tell you it’s over one day, and move to another galaxy, because he’s just not happy anymore. Do you know how that feels? When your light chooses to leave you behind, floating in space with nothing else in orbit to cling onto. My gravitational pull was lost and the world as I knew it flipped upside down; the nights didn’t seem to end and the years stretched for light years.

A lady at a store once told me, “No matter what happens, the sun will always rise the next day; and nobody can take that away.”

But what if it doesn’t?

I used to think you were my sun, and no one could take that away. And that still holds true – nobody could take that away. Only you could; and you did. And I can’t hate you for denying what doesn’t make you happy anymore and choosing to search for a better planet to illuminate and radiate your magnificent self, because aren’t we all on our own pursuit of happiness, where we have to make the difficult decisions of who to love and who to walk away from?

But that still doesn’t change the fact that my world isn’t the same without the sun. The clouds here are different, not terrible, but different; like they evolved so I could notice that beauty and happiness take many different forms and constantly change.

Truth be told, I’m tired of writing about heartache. I’m exhausted from constantly wondering about you and your life, and daydreaming about a future where we are pulled back into each other’s orbits. As blissful as that sounds, I know it won’t come true. And maybe that’s OK. Maybe I’ll be okay. Maybe I’ll learn to rotate on my own axis and find something worthy of being the center of my world. Maybe I’ll get to choose this time.

So no more love letters and heart-warming dreams from me. I am done wondering about the constellations in your nighttime sky and whether your days are longer or shorter than the ones I’m living. Truth be told, it doesn’t matter.

As far as I’m concerned, you’re in a whole other universe.