This Is How I Remember Loving You

It was real but it didn’t last. You were the only one who touched me deeply without even touching me. It hurts like hell but it’s the kind of pain that taught me and showed me what truly matters. I’m writing everything down to help me forget.

I can’t remember the first time I saw you. We’ve been part of the same group for a while. You didn’t catch my eyes or my attention. You aren’t exactly my type. I couldn’t even remember your name when we were introduced. I remembered the details. We came from the same school and stayed in the same city for quite some time but we have never met. I remember the car you drive and your close friend’s name. You were just another group mate.

On the 18th of May that year, my life changed. Your hair was in a single “Lara Croft” braid. You were wearing a flowery top and seated a few seats in front of me. You turned around, looked me in the eyes and mumbled “Happy birthday.” In that very short subtle moment, my world slowed down while my heart started to beat fast. When I looked into your eyes, my neurons went berserk. Then I smiled and mumbled back “thank you.” I will never forget that day you caught my attention. At that moment I knew there was something very special about you.

You turned out to be an acquired taste. I started to have a crush on you, stalk your social network profiles, and admire you from afar. We started with small talks until we went on to talking about our dreams and frustrations. I loved the sparkle in your eyes when you talk about what you love or when you see or hear something that touches you. You were too beautiful for words. There was a certain level of peace each time I saw you after a whole week of torture. You were my saving grace. I always looked forward to the next time I saw you and our “small talks.” I remember the first time you sent me a text message apologizing for a mix up. Sparks flew that day. I couldn’t stop smiling. You got my number from someone else before I could ask you for yours. We began to talk more often. Our small talks became deep conversations. We became “friends.”

And then I got bored. I got really bored. You were very persistent and annoying at times. You were restless, unstable and inconsistent. We have differences and similarities in our point of views. I saw your little details and quirks. It was far from what I had imagined. I started learning your body language. Your different smiles and blank faces. The changes in the tone of your voice. Those things I don’t usually pay attention to but I remember and notice about you. There was something about you that turned me off. Something didn’t make sense but I couldn’t get enough of you.

I remember when you would look at me and mumble “I love you” and I would just smile and think you’re weird. You didn’t even know me. I remember the tiny green note you handed me. I remembered how swiftly you walked away towards other people as I opened it. It was just a note. I still have that note. It still says “I love you!” but it doesn’t mean anything now.
I continued getting to know you. I remember everything you tell me and everything we go through. You’ve always had my attention until you slowly caught my heart. It was devastating. I remember Valentine’s week when I almost revealed my feelings for you. I sat beside you before a concert. We talked for a while. After that weird eye opening conversation, I was too high to pay attention to the concert. Logic was defied.

I remember the first time we hugged, your first stolen kiss on my left cheek, the first time we held hands and your sweaty palms. I remember the first time I sent you a text message saying “I love you” and you called back to say “I love you.” Three times. Since then, I would look forward to your call every night just to hear those words. I remember wanting to say them to you face to face but I end up just hugging you. I remember how shocked I was when you gave me a new pet name. I had been saving those for my life partner but you were special so I let you call me “honey.” Until we started calling each other that! I remember our chocolate and social network fasting. I remember every crazy conversation and idea we shared. First kiss. Second base. The big O. Diabetes. Music. Our “ex’s.” Time went by so fast and I was falling deep. As I found out every good and bad about you, I started to love every bit of who you are.

I remember the 22nd of February, the year after we met, you gave me a small stuffed teddy bear that had your scent. You named him Bogart. On that same day, you got my ring and jokingly told everyone we were engaged. I was trying to hide the fact that I was so in love with you. You told me to remember that day. I never forgot.

I remember the first time we had dinner and coffee. You asked me if I was free that day. I cancelled other plans to see you. It was at a mall food court. I arrived earlier because I didn’t want to keep you waiting. You wanted me to ask 10 questions about you. Any question. I wanted you to talk about anything. I wanted to see how far your comfort of telling me anything could go. You told me about your past. Your childhood. Your transition. Your lovelife. I let you talk while I wondered. I wondered about so many things about you after learning so much about you and your past. Truth be told, there was only one crazy stupid question in my mind. “Will you be my life partner?” But it was too soon. I held back. I had fears. Fear of commitment and intimacy. A week after that, everything changed. You cancelled us.

You changed your mind. You wanted a new life. You wanted to stop and build a “strong friendship.” That had been part of my plan since day 1. Build our friendship which you defined as weird platonic. I was confused. You told me to keep doing what I was doing and to never give up on our friendship. When I was ready to face my fears head on, it was too late. You stepped back. You had your reasons. I had to respect that while honoring my feelings. I feared losing you.

I remember when you returned the jar I gave you. It was painful and insulting but when you told me your reasons, I was deeply touched. I just wish you knew my reasons for giving. I remember your patterns and your ups and downs. It had always been a crazy roller coaster ride but I’d always choose that ride over and over and over again.

I remember trying to stay away but our paths always crossed. You’ve made your choice. I had to respect and honor that because our friendship and your feelings were very important to me. I wanted you to be happy but I couldn’t stay away. I kept a safe distance and asked you every now and then where we stood.

I remember your accident. I was restless that day. I had a feeling something was wrong. The following day, your face just flashed in my head. I sent you a text message but there was no reply. Then later I found out about your accident. I badly wanted to help. I visited the hospital. I was hoping and praying I would see you and you were okay. I wanted to surprise you but I had no idea where you were. I prayed and I prayed and I prayed until I ended up at the church and attended the mass and said my novena prayers for you. It was the only way to reach you because Christ is always at the center of what we have.

I never stopped reaching out. I no longer had feelings for you but I was addicted to the chase. You were never going to love me anyway. Maybe I misunderstood your actions and everything you said. But I guess I can’t love you the way you want to be loved because after all that time that I loved you, I was ignored and pushed away. I’ve accepted that but I have already decided to love you no matter what. It’s a risk I’m willing to take. Reciprocity never mattered. It was okay. It was safer because loving me gives me the power to hurt you. I don’t want that. I wanted to show you and make you feel special and loved every day. I loved the thought of making you smile. I started writing again to stop me from doing things I want to do but could just worsen the already bad situation I have put you in. I end up writing mostly about you but words will never be enough to let you know how much you mean to me.

I remember looking at you and thinking. I prayed for love. God gave me you. This is how I remember you. An answered prayer. Beautiful. Crazy. Wild. Fun. My great adventure. My favorite happy thought. A mood swinger who changed my life. You make me smile without even trying. Forgive me for the drama and the torture of being a friend to someone who’s crazy, madly, deeply in love with you. I just want you to be happy even if that means you’d be happier without me.
I’m not your type and I won’t change for you. I want you and I want the best for you. You’re crazy about someone else now. I’m just someone you knew. I don’t want to miss you and I never want to bother you again. We don’t make any sense but I love you. I know that for sure.

I may never find the right words to say or the right things to do but your smile tells me I’m doing something right. I will remember loving you even if you forget me.

I’m sorry. These memories and prayers are all I have left of you.

Someone will always love you..

I love you, Honey.

The best is yet to come, through love and prayers.