This Is How I Waste Time On The Computer

Here we go again, I open my computer and feel refreshed.

I have the entire world at the tip of my fingers. My computer is warm in my lap or brewing on the tabletop while I start opening a million tabs.

Which movies should I get today? Something scary? Should I start watching Dexter? Can I use Dexter as a verb? I should most definitely start using Dexter as a verb. I pay my utility bill. I stalk my 8th grade boyfriend and chuckle when I see that he gained more than a few pounds and his new girlfriend is…. Wait, that’s him standing with his friend and his friend’s girlfriend. Now I feel guilty and I’ve wasted over 20 minutes scrolling through her pictures and I don’t even know her, but she seems cool and THIS IS A WASTE OF TIME.

I feel hopeless. How could I waste my time this in this manner.

I start stumbling upon different websites and interests. I study quantum physics and learn about spontaneous combustion. I spend a little too much time on weight loss websites before I realize starving yourself is the only way.

I’m mad because I can’t check Instagram. I check Instagram on my phone. I also have a text that says my friend doesn’t think I’m cultured. Already googling “how to be cultured?” Google says, “read.”

I look around my room and wonder if there’s anything to eat in the kitchen. It’s useless. There’s nothing.

Here I am again, downloading music. It’s been three hours. What’s the best thing to get? Is the “discography” worth it? Am I really going to listen to the live sets of Radiohead? No. Soundcloud it is. I don’t care if I’m wasting data on my phone. People who use “Spotify” on Facebook should be embarrassed. Consider deleting Facebook. Stop considering that.

I really want to go running. All my pages are frozen. I’m clicking refresh again and again and “The webpage cannot be reached” keeps popping up. I make a face at the computer and heave a sigh. Still not loading. I Ctrl+Alt+Delete and start a task manager. I hate everything. I’m pissed. I growl.

I look around to see if anyone heard me growl. Okay, phew. It’s working again.

It’s time to get on Tumblr. Tumblr is a deep dark hole. I love everything- I hate everything- I want to design my house- I check plane tickets – now I’m depressed because of Tumblr and I don’t know why. I have to get off Tumblr. Jump on Twitter. Can’t remember my password. Retrieve password, and delete all redundant emails in my inbox. Sallie Mae is the most annoying name I’ve ever seen. If Bath and Body Works sends me another email I will scream. Start going through “fashion blogs” and start captioning their pictures in my head.

“LOOK! A river!!”

“My scarf is so warrrrmmmmm”

“NATURALLY CAUGHT OFF GUARD!”

“This is me laughing”

“I’m wearing a lot of makeup and I’m looking for a boyfriend”

“If I hold my face like this, my nose looks smaller which is good because I’m VIOLENTLY insecure about the size of my nose.”

My mom calls – ignore – sorry mom I’m really busy right now. She texts to ask if I’m dating anyone. Obviously I’m not dating anyone, MOM. I can’t even keep a stable relationship with my computer right now because IT’S FROZEN AGAIN. Realize I have a problem. Take a shower. Think about buying a new computer. Hate everyone who has a mac because I don’t have a mac and I hate myself and my stupid DELL. I tell people which kind of computer I have and I pronounce “Adele”; get angry enough to set fire to the rain.