This Is How I Will Let You Go

This is how I’ll say goodbye.

It’s morning and the sun is shining bright. A little too bright. I would hold your hand, I would hold it tight, as if I didn’t want to let you go. Even if I had to… because I wanted to. I would wrap my arms around you, until you push me away because I know how much it hurts. I know how much I hurt you.

I love you and I know you love me too, but now I know that your love isn’t enough to make me stay. I love you, but I guess my love for you is a kind of love enough to only destroy you. I’m sorry if I can’t fix you, the way you tried, so hard to fix me. I’m sorry if I have to leave. I’m sorry because I have to leave your heart in the middle of nowhere shattered into a million pieces, and I know well enough that not even you friends’ sympathy is enough to make you okay. I love you. But if I did, I wouldn’t leave you. Not like this. Maybe I just love you way too much that the only choice it left me was to leave. To be out of your life. I love you and it hurts.

We can’t force us to be okay, we can’t take back all the wrong things we did.

All we can do is hang on to the “what if’s” and what could be- because I’m letting go and we’re never going to get there. We thought we were strong, but we forgot how fragile love is. One second were saying our “I love you’s”, my hand perfectly intertwined in yours, and my head resting on your shoulder. Time could have stopped and I wouldn’t have complained. Now we barely know each other. Your eyes seem so devoid of all we’ve been through, your touch now feels cold to the bone. I can’t hear the “I love you’s” anymore.

Sometimes I think to myself and say that I probably shouldn’t leave you, not now, not like this. I should stay no matter how hard this relationship gets. But it’s all too late now. I can’t be like Ted Mosby standing outside your house at two in the morning holding the blue French horn I stole right above my head, because you’re not my Robin Scherbatsky. I’m just an average girl, and you’re just… you.

Flawed. Imperfect. You. I love you.

But I don’t think that love is enough for us. Love isn’t enough to keep the fire inside of me burning.

Falling in love is easy, but staying together is the hard part. We’re just too different, and sometimes we just can’t work things out. We want to take different paths together, and with that what we both want becomes impossible. We’re both at opposite ends, it feels like I have to scream just to let you know what I’m thinking and it feels like I’m trying to decipher a cryptic code when I’m trying to understand you. We contradict, we repel each other. You and I both know that we can’t always adjust to everything in this relationship. We have different perspectives in everything and we can’t always compromise. We’re both too proud that even when either of us is already apologizing sooner or later we’ll be fighting again, and you’ll always have an explanation for everything, and like always… you want to be right, and it frustrates me! It drives me insane because I don’t understand how something that felt so right turns out to be so wrong in the end. How could I have not predicted all of these from the start? Or maybe I already knew but I just refused to acknowledge it because I believed in you.

I believed in us. I believed that we would work out. I believed. Believed. Past tense. I don’t know what to be believe anymore.

I’m letting go not because it’s the easy way out but because it feels like the right thing to do. Because it feels as if were trying to tape back this broken relationship over and over again and were just wasting each other’s time. We’re walking barefoot on blades and it’s time for us to stop hurting ourselves. To stop hurting each other. Band aids won’t heal us, we have to heal on our own so I am making the decision of letting you go. I am letting go of the part of me that’s used to having you. I am letting go of the string of fate that’s tying us together. I am letting go of all the promises we made. I am letting go of you.

And as the sun starts to set, despite me hating all of your flaws, my lips would start blabbering out all the clichés that you have already heard a thousand times…

“If it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be.” 
“Maybe now is just not the right time for us.” 
“Maybe someday, when everything’s okay, we’ll be together again.”

Maybe, just maybe because despite everything, I can’t deny that there’s still a speck of hope. There will always be that “what if we get back together” thought at the back of my mind, subconsciously resurfacing whenever I see something that reminds me of you. Whenever I get a whiff of your perfume, whenever I pass someone who resembles you. Whenever I hear your name.

I will let go, but I will not forget.

Then the stars begin to twinkle like your eyes when we first met, and I can’t help but think about how we used to be. And as I reminisced all our memories I felt a certain pang in my heart. Maybe it is a mistake to leave you, and that I’ll regret this as the night goes by. But before this ends, before I start living my life like a movie, I have one last thing to say. When the day comes that we’re both okay, when the timing is right, and when everything is falling almost perfectly, if not perfectly into place, be my second chance, and I promise you, I’ll be your forever.

This is how I would have said goodbye…if only you had let me.