This Is How I’ll Miss You On New Year’s


The clock ticks closer and closer to mark the beginning of the New Year. It’s only 11:37 at night and there is alcohol streaming up and down the veins of my body. I’m trying to have a good time, and there is no reason why I shouldn’t be having a good time. We just finished the year of 2015. We all worked hard, we didn’t die or contract some scathing disease. Everyone around me is having a blast; the last games of beer pong and flip cup are ending as the clock ticks closer and closer to midnight.

I am trying my hardest to live in the present moment, to maybe try and make out with the girl that’s been hanging around me all night or maybe go get another drink or go to the dance floor.

At 11:59 is when I realize that I miss you, and that I miss you very dearly.

At 11:59 my mind races and flashes back to New Year’s Eve of 2014. At 11:59 your sweet words that you painted on me just 12 months ago haunt me and make it completely impossible to lay my lips on some other girl.

I never wanted to picture a reality where I don’t start 2016 without you but in one minute that reality will become entirely true.

Last year on New Year’s Eve you told me that we were perfect for each other. That you didn’t like me at first but that you could see us together for a very long time. Last year on New Year’s Eve you told me that you and I were compatible, mentally, and sexually. You told me that no one makes you feel the way I made you feel. Last year on New Year’s Eve you told me that I make you trip, and that you wanted me all for yourself.

And this New Year’s Eve I can only imagine who it is that you are going to kiss at midnight.

I can only imagine what it would be like to still be with you, especially on a night like this.

It’s 11:59 and I am thinking about how fast I would need to drive to get to you in time so I can be the one you share that kiss with to kick off the New Year.

But even that thought is useless. The girl who told me all those things last year literally doesn’t exist anymore, and I miss her every day. It’s 11:59 and it dawns on me that I am just some guy who it didn’t work out with; nothing less nothing more.

I am feeling so much, but so little at the same time. It’s 11:59 and I’ve never felt so powerless in my entire life. I’ve never wanted to share in the presence of another human being so badly that it literally hurts. And that’s the awkward part, knowing that you and I are breathing the same air. We both look at the same night sky, but we are both so far away. At 11:59 I begin to miss the Snapchats I used to receive from you. I begin to miss your little hands, and your brown hair. At 11:59 I suddenly remember what the perfume you used to put on smells like. I compare the scent of your perfume to the girl standing in front of me looking into my eyes because she wants me to be her new year’s kiss, and it doesn’t suffice.

It’s 11:59 and I am trying to think of the reason why things are so unfathomably different from a time just 12 months ago.

I am trying to figure out why lightning has a better chance of striking my left thumb twice than our stars aligning ever again. I am trying to figure out how I still have this fire inside of my heart that burns eternally bright at a temperature hot enough to melt the strongest of steel metals. Even though you left me behind many months ago I am going to bring you into 2016 with me.

So even though I wish that you still thought about me, even though I wish you still looked at our old texts, even though I wish a picture of you and I together existed in your eyes when that clock turns to midnight I will again realize that nothing has changed. I am going to keep that memory of you, the old you. I’ll hold on to it tight, and kiss that girl who’s been hanging around me all night at this party, and I’ll just pretend that it was you.