This Is Me Abandoning My Anger


This is me accepting that you are not the kind of person who belongs in my world. You are not the kind of person who deserves success, fulfillment, peace of mind. You are the kind of person who takes and takes without exerting any effort on your end. The kind of person who will put yourself first in every situation, regardless of who you hurt in the process.

This is me understanding karma is out of my control. I cannot get you back. I cannot get my revenge. I cannot make you hurt the way you have made me hurt. Waiting to watch you learn your lesson is poisonous. The anger trapped inside of my ribcage is only hurting me, not you. Nothing hurts you, because you don’t care about anything. Besides, it is only a matter of time until you self-destruct and I do not need to be around when that happens to get hit with the shards.

This is me realizing that you are not capable of seeing what you have done to me, how much baggage you have dropped onto my shoulders. You are living a lie. You are playing make believe. You see yourself as a victim, as someone who can do no wrong. You don’t want to accept who you are and what you have done, but I am going to accept it all. I am going to accept my past without attempting to rewrite the pages.

So this is me abandoning my anger. Letting go of the desire to watch you burn. Saying goodbye to the daydreams of getting closure, of getting a genuine I’m sorry. This is me dropping all of my expectations for you, because you only bring disappointment. You are never going to own up to your mistakes, and I have to be okay with that, even if it feels wildly unfair.

This is me accepting that I am never going to get the response I want from you — and to be honest, I’m not sure what I want. For you to feel guilty? For you to express regret? For you to find a way to rewind time and fix what has been broken beyond repair? I have been waiting for something impossible to happen and I realize that now. I realize I have to let go of the possibility of this story ending happily.

This is me admitting that there is nothing left for me to say to you, nothing left to argue about, nothing left to fight for. Our chapter has come to an end. The ink has run dry.

This is me moving on with my life without you. Giving myself a clean slate. I am no longer going to check up on you to see if you have changed. I am no longer going to ask about you in crowded rooms. Your punishment is bigger than having your car keyed or your clothing burned. Your punishment is my silence. Your punishment is losing me. Forever. With no hope of ever watching me walk back.