This Is Me Giving Up On An Us

Dear you. I am writing to you, not as a declaration of my love, but because this is how I want to remember you by.

It was one of those summer nights where the cold breeze could only be felt when you’re alone, but that night was different because it made me feel things about you that I knew I shouldn’t. It started out as a simple party where everyone was carefree. Everyone had a lot to drink and nobody was even sober anymore. What began as an average party became the night that I will never forget.

As the night got colder for me, things started to happen pretty fast. You were playing the guitar and singing just so beautifully, that I remember telling myself how much I’d love for your songs to be directed at me. Soon enough, we were talking about our feelings, and that’s when “it” happened. “It” being that spur-of-the-moment kiss, and for a second, I felt like I was in a movie. I still remember it so vividly– your soft lips pressing against mine, my hand brushing through your hair, you lifting me up while we continue kissing and me wrapping my legs around your waist. The night turned to morning and we welcomed it with more talking and kissing

“Last night was fun,” would be something I’ve always wanted to tell you, but at the same time, last night tasted sweet with regret and a heavy heart. The next day it was as if nothing happened between us, like whatever happened that night was just a dream, an illusion, or something created out of my imagination, but what happened between us that night felt real, or at least that was what you made me feel. It was probably nothing to you, but it felt like the world to me. It was as if we had a chance. But that chance never came.

Days turned to weeks and weeks turned to months, yet we’re still in the same pace of both having something and nothing at the same time. We would go drinking with friends, and when everyone was asleep, we’d talk and our words turn to kisses and I end up just falling for you even more, even when I know I can’t.

So this is me giving up on an “us” because in the first place there never was an us.

It was all in my head that you and I can be more than friends. I’m giving up on the idea of what we could have been. I’m giving up because at the end of the day I would only be a fall back friend and never someone you’re going to take seriously. I’m giving up on you and the thought of us because it’s all too one-sided and I don’t want to keep believing that I have a chance, that we have a chance.

So maybe this is a declaration of my love for you after all. But sadly, this changes nothing. You won’t be throwing pebbles at my window to get my attention, you won’t have a boom box playing my favorite song because I already know that we aren’t for each other, but writing about what I feel about you will make it easier for me to give up on you. That way, I know exactly why I am giving up on the “us” that was non-existent in the first place.

Still… I would like to let you know that whatever happened between us will always be special to me.

But at the end of the day despite all the butterflies, you make me feel and all the countless trophies I’m carrying from being labeled “your best”… I’m still the sore loser in this game of love and that is why I am giving up on the “us” that we will never have.