This Is Me Unloving You

We all talk about falling in love, that magical, magnetic connection, that makes us feel alive.

But do we ever talk about falling out of love?

I’m not talking about the heartbreak journey, the emptiness, and grief that comes with losing someone.

I’m talking about the moment you truly have let go, the moment you have given up hope, the moment you truly feel nothing, the moment the love of your life becomes no one at all.

The moment when everything you’ve fantasized becomes a reality, but that reality becomes nothing more than a disappointment.

What a fucking beautiful picture you have been for me. The way I looked at you held up for so long, until I had the opportunity to see who you are. You’re still beautiful, and you’ve shown me such a rare taste of beauty that I didn’t even want to see.

You truly gave me life, and in a lot of ways, that will prevail. But you have also shown me everything I don’t want. You’ve shown me uncertainty, anxiety, insecurity and every version of inconsistency.

You’ve broken a worn out heart. A heart that was already broken in so many ways. A heart that was only briefly open to you.

I think my biggest fear is that you will be the only one I will ever feel this way about. I have yet to fully combat this fear. But your recent presence has reassured me that you aren’t worth my walls. You aren’t even worth a second thought. I truly don’t mean to have a bitter taste in my mouth. It’s okay to not love someone back.

But the issue is, you do love me back.

The issue is, you have lost me.

Unloving you has been more challenging than loving you ever was. Unloving you is the most real form of love I’ve ever had to feel. The waves of letting go are in full control of this. Pulling your presence further away from me than it’s ever been.

But I’m letting you go. I’m fortunate for our short time together, and still fortunate for our longer time apart. Our recent reconnection was exactly what I envisioned it being, and exactly everything I didn’t want it to be.

Unloving someone is actually a lot like loving someone, it happens just as suddenly and is just as intense. It takes something away from you so quickly, and you have no choice but to give in to it.

I am surprised to admit that I will miss loving you. That I will miss the hope the thought of you brought to me. Even the sadness of your loss brought me hope.

But I’m so tired of all the drinks, of all the cigarettes, of all the lines, of all the hours of working. I’m so tired of hiding from facing the break of day, the reality of my life. The reality that I don’t have anyone I love, that my perceived source of joy has been false.

You brought so much to me and took an equal amount away from me. It’s difficult to make sense of that.

I was never in love with you, I was in love with being in love.

You owe me nothing, and I owe you even less.

The world is mine, and you’ll never be.