This Is Most Anxiety-Producing Phrase Of All Time


Two weeks ago I was typing up a TC article in a coffee shop, la deee dah, when suddenly the keys on my laptop stopped working. No big whoop. Every Mac user gets accustomed to the spinning wheel of death. So I just restarted it, thinking that would set things right. But HAHA, that would be too easy. After turning it off and on again a dozen times and getting no feedback I’m starting to panic. Why is this happening? WHY.

You never realize how important your computer is to you or how attached you are to it until it’s gone. A dead computer means years of awesome music, hundreds of GIFs and a porn collection that rivals none — vanished into thin air.


If you’ve ever taken your laptop to the Apple Store or to any other computer repair place then you have first hand experience with the deep anxiety that comes with waiting on those Geniuses to inspect your significant other. It’s like waiting for medical test results. You sit there, biting your nails, trying to play it cool but actually you are f.r.e.a.k.i.n.g out inside. Why? Because there are only two possible outcomes at a computer repair shop: 1) Oh every thing’s fine, we can fix this in 5 minutes or 2) Uh, yeah, your shit is busted, so kiss your savings/rent money/food for the month buh bye!

The last time I went to the Apple Store to get my computer fixed was at least three or four years ago. I don’t even remember what the issue was. The thing I do remember is that the guy literally smelled my keyboard. Like, he got his face all up in it and, brah, I wouldn’t get so close to that if I were you. He looked up at me all suspicious.

“Did you spill anything on your computer ever?”

“No,” I tell him.

In an accusatory tone: “Are you sure?”

Seriously right now?

When I dropped my computer off at the Apple Store a few days ago, ostensibly to just replace the keyboard, they told me they’d give me a call to let me know when to pick up my baby. It’ll take three to five days, including the weekend. Great! Today was the third day. Now I’m at the grocery store picking up some necessities and just generally feeling amazing when I get a phone call from the Apple Store. I answered in my happiest voice because I thought they were going to be all, “Hey, gurl! All’s fixed! You can come back and get your machine now!”

And then: DOOM

“One of our technicians took a look at your machine and we discovered liquid damage, so lol it’s going to cost you $750 to get that fixed.”

And lol just like that my appetite was gone. I don’t know shit about computers, but I know enough to know the phrase “Your computer has liquid damage” is the worst thing anyone can say to you. The reason it sucks so bad is because the damage is worse than you thought, but also you’re faced with a tough choice: do you get a new laptop or let them fix the current one? Or do you just free ball it and say “Fuk it!” and go without a computer? Is that even a thing?

Machines are great, and they do make life easier in a lot of ways. But they’re like pets. You get so attached to them and you name your hard drive something warm and fuzzy. You get really possessive if anyone uses it for too long, you miss it when it breaks down, and you panic when it dies.

image – Shutterstock