This Is The Closest I’ll Ever Be To Love


There are shadows on the wall, shadows of you and me, standing so close, the shadows of your nose touching mine, our eyelashes brushing against each other in the dark,

only our shadows know we are so close together when nobody is looking,

forget everything you’ve ever thought about, just remember my name and how much I desperately try to love you in all the right ways,

and how I make amends when I fall in love with a stranger on the train,

and forget about my unkind words I say when I’m intoxicated, everyone appears to have my face when I’m out of my mind,

I’m hating myself when I drink a few,

and your face is my face, and my hands are your hands,

and I love myself when you’re touching me so tenderly,

you know, it’s hard to see clearly when you wear glasses that see through every mask people wear,

and I hear their thoughts, and they’re always sad and unkind, and I hear your thoughts, and they’re always sad but kind,

you don’t really love me like I love you, but your pity has a gentle side to it, and so I don’t feel so bad about it, it’s better to be loved like that than being not loved at all, you know?

I have a lot to do, I have a lot of people I need to become, I need to live up to many higher standards I put on myself,

‘am I one of them?’ you ask me one silent night, and I think and think,

but I don’t think so, maybe that’s why I don’t feel bad when you hate me sometimes, you exist in a world of your own making, and so do I,

and I like how we don’t need to explain that to each other, how we can be nonsensical around each other,

and for all intents and purposes, this is, I know in my heart, the closest I’ll ever be to love.