This Is What Goes On In Your Head When You Read A Job Listing
Job Title: Editorial Assistant
— Cool, yeah, I’ll apply to this one today. I can edit and I can be an assistant. Actually I’m really good at both of those things. They should probably just hire me now and save all of us a bunch of time.
About Us: Our company has been around forever. We have lots of branches and each specializes in something different. We’re going to list some of those branches you probably didn’t know were a part of us. It makes us look impressive. We’ll also mention who owns us.
— Wow, they’re so huge and impressive, they’d be an awesome company to work for. Wait, what? They’re owned by them? Corporations own everything!
Job description: The Editorial Assistant manages the daily needs of the editor of the department and everybody else who asks for help.
— Not too bad. Just another assistant job. I could do this.
Responsibilities include but are not limited to: Manuscript transmission…
— What does that even mean? Taking manuscripts from someone and giving them to someone else? Okay, but I don’t know why they felt like it was necessary to mention this. Should I mention my “transmission” skills in my cover letter? “I have experience transmitting materials between parties, i.e., carrying boxes down the hall so my boss doesn’t have to.” Maybe I need to research what this means…
…reading and evaluating submissions…
— Awesome. Yes. I would kill for a job where one of my main duties is reading and evaluating manuscripts. Oh, but I bet I’d be a back-up and they’d give me all the ones no one else wanted to read. And probably way more than I feel like I can handle. Actually I’d probably hate this part of the job. Whatever.
…writing copy for book jackets…
— So cool. My mom and grandma would be impressed with that too. Should I call Nana and tell her about this? Wow I really want this job.
…administrative tasks such as filing, coordinating materials for meetings, payments processing, mailings, and ordering supplies…
— I already do every single one of these things and I am GOOD at them. Maybe I actually have a chance at getting this job!
…and working with high-profile agents and authors while maintaining a professional manner and confidentiality…
— They just said this to entice me, and it worked. I really want to maintain confidentiality with famous authors. I can keep all the secrets. Am I allowed to tell my boyfriend? But I guess I won’t really need a boyfriend once I have this awesome job!
Required Skills, Knowledge, and Experience:
— Okay, breathe. Cross my fingers. Please please please please don’t rule me out. I really want to do this job.
…4-year degree…
— Yes! A B.S. is okay. Phew.
…and previous experience in publishing is a bonus…
— … Well, at least it’s not a necessity.
…must be organized, highly detail-oriented, able to multi-task, and have strong interpersonal skills….
— Even though I know multi-tasking isn’t real I have to be careful not to roll my eyes when an interviewer mentions multi-tasking because that will reflect poorly on my interpersonal skills. Other than that, I got this. I’m so excited to apply! An awesome job in the city! At a famous company! All my dreams are coming true!
Equal opportunity employer. Application deadline: two weeks ago.
— Oh…