This Is What Your Coffee Order Says About Your Sex Life

I like my women like I like my coffee: hot at first, then it turns lukewarm after a forget about it for a little while, until it’s finally cold enough that I just dump it.

I can’t be the only one.

And according to science that I just made up for the sake of this sentence, sex and coffee have a lot in common. In fact, leading scientists that are me say the type of coffee you drink says a lot about your sex life.

Everyone knows that when you’re standing in line at Starbucks, you instantly judge everyone around you based on the drink they order. Venti frap? Indulgent sweet tooth. Something I can’t pronounce? Pretentious.

Now, it’s not just their personality you can make snap judgments about; this handy guide can provide you with insight into their private sex life as well.

1. Regular-ass coffee

You’re bitter and most people don’t like you by yourself.

2. Pumpkin spice latte

The missionary position of coffee, you’re predictable and reliable. But hey, there’s nothing wrong with knowing what you like.

3. Frappuccino

As a fan of this 9,000-calorie, whipped-cream-topped monstrosity, your milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.

4. Espresso

You’re no size queen. You know that powerful things can come in small packages.

5. Ordering off the secret menu

You crave excitement and adventure. An air of mystery and intrigue can instantly seduce you.

6. Mocha-anything

You’re a fan of chocolate, in every dimension of the word.

7. Macchiato

No one is really quite sure what you are, but we imagine you look and taste exotic.

8. Iced whatever

Preferring your morning caffeine to come to you through a straw indicates your proficiency in … uh, I think you can picture it.

9. Food?!?!?

You’re clearly into BDSM because you have to be a masochist to order food at Starbucks.