This Is When I Come Back To You


Do not be surprised when you realize that I’m a stranger to you and it’s not because I pretended to be someone else, it’s not because I’m too mysterious, or that I talk more with silences than words, or how I accept you for who you are without any excuses,
it’s because you’re always too afraid of not living in an illusion you made, either of yourself or anyone else, I’m no exception to that rule,

while you see me smiling, you think I’m really happy, but you never realize how I’m dying inside, like the times I roam around the house aimlessly because I keep feeling numb all over,

I walk like a ghost, tracing the walls and the photographs that hang in frames, in black and white, everyone in them is long dead and gone, and someday you and me will be up here too, and someone unhappy will live on and remember us, like me.

You’re sleeping, I can hear you dreaming from two rooms away, I want to wake you up because I’m feeling really lonely, but I don’t think you can help me even if you wake up,

this house is too suffocating, I put on my shoes and coat, and go outside, I leave the door unlocked, thinking I’ll close it when I come back, a promise, an excuse to come back, a promise to not leave you alone in this world, the uneasiness grows inside me, like the accelerated growth of a child in a womb, scared of all the noises outside around me, every person a spy, they’ll tell you I’m out here alone,

they’ll call you, and you’ll wake up, and you’ll see the door unlocked, and you’ll see my coat and shoes missing, and you’ll look at the clock and it’s 2 in the morning, and you’re calling me but I’ve left my phone on the bedside.

Every streetlight is an alien ship, so I stay clear of the light, I can end up on some other planet if I’m not careful, everyone disappears in the night, but not the pain, oh it doesn’t go anywhere, day and night, night and day,

it’s always inside me, always inside everyone else, growing so fast, like a tsunami tide,a hurricane on the shore,and your feet are planted in the sand, you can’t run anymore, you sacrificed your legs for your voice anyway, you’re a modern day nightmare of a fairytale,
so you walk alone, and away from the streetlights, I wonder if you’re awake yet, I wonder if I close my eyes, will I still hear you dreaming?

Probably not, our love might not be that strong, and I’m weaker than you anyhow. Last day being like this, last day walking around the house, feeling like a new born child, last day being startled at anything that comes across my eye,

I wish I had told everyone I ever blamed that it was always my fault, it was my fault that I let them hurt me, it’s my fault that they never tried harder to love me, but I still stayed true to who I am, and derived as much happiness as I could from that,

everybody always said no, everyone always said maybe, everyone always said they had somewhere to be, everyone always said goodbye so easily, and when I tried all these things, they all blamed me, they all called me heartless,
what was my fault?

Is it a crime to treat people exactly like they treated you?

I never got to ask them this question, I wonder again, and the grief grows bigger, now it’s the size of an adolescent from an infant in the womb.

I should think of something good, ah you, I think of you sleeping quietly, in the suffocating house with the black and white pictures of the dead people on the walls, and the unlocked door, maybe I should go and lock it from outside so you won’t come after me, looking for me, and I turn around.

I didn’t walk too far, there’s nowhere to go in the city anyway, and I stand outside the door, and again I have a choice, another fork in the road, and I’m about to lock it from the outside, but I suddenly hear the sound of your dreams,
they’re calling for me,

and I think I cried, so i entered the suffocating house with the dead people’s pictures on the walls, and walked past them, and you were asleep, with your arm sprawled on my side, and I lied down next to you,

and you opened your eyes and you smiled, and tears filled my eyes,

I held your hand for the whole night, like the ship is tied down by the anchor so it doesn’t drift and get lost in the sea.

There’s a big storm coming, baby, and I need you so much right now.