This Is Why I ‘Casually’ Slept With You

I slept with you, because I thought you were lying when you said you didn’t want a relationship. That you were trying to protect your heart, just like I was, by spilling falsities. I thought that — even if you were telling the truth about keeping it casual — that you’d eventually change your mind. That the intimacy we created during sex would rub off, redefining your perception of me. That you would fall as hard as I had.

I slept with you, because I couldn’t stop thinking about you. Because, if I couldn’t enter a real relationship with you, then sleeping with you was my best alternative. I wanted to be close to you. I wanted to touch you. To have you all to myself. Even if that meant I had to do it casually. Even if that meant I only owned you for the night.

I slept with you, because I thought I could handle the sensation. That, even if nothing came of it, I’d get some experience. Have some fun. Inject a little excitement into my dull life. I didn’t think I’d lose complete control over my emotions. That I’d tumble deeper and deeper into the idea of dating you. That I’d make it even harder for myself to deal with not having you. With being just another number to you.

I slept with you, even though you openly admitted you weren’t looking for something serious, because your actions said otherwise. Your actions said you were ready. That you wanted me. That I was going to be your girlfriend, even if it took a little time for me to earn the title.

I slept with you, because you led me on with mixed signals. You told me you didn’t want me, but then you texted me and cuddled with me and whispered secrets into my studded ear. How could I believe I meant nothing to you after all that? How could I keep telling myself that I was just a sex object, something for you to play around with, when your actions said otherwise? Your actions convinced me you liked me as much as I liked you.

I slept with you, because I was absolutely crazy about you and I hoped that the sex would make you crazy about me, too. Because fucking actually means something to me and I can’t understand how you could intertwine your naked body with mine without developing feelings for me. Because I thought sex would be the answer to my problems, that it would transform you from a friend to a boyfriend.

I ‘casually’ slept with you, because I thought I had a real chance with you.