This Is Why I Couldn’t Say ‘I Love You Too’

It’s a Sunday afternoon when I saw you again.

It’s probably one of those days that I’d consider a happenstance… but if I’m completely being honest with myself, it could be fate’s way of letting me see the outcome of the decision I made that day.

She was wearing a lovely sundress as she dragged you inside the coffee shop. You were smiling at something she said, and suddenly a wave of nostalgia hit me. You always have the warmest smile, one that I find too comforting. Your sincerity transpires at the way you stare and I couldn’t think of anyone else who has the same expressive eyes as yours.

I wanted to walk up to you and say ‘hi’… but then I realized, a ‘sorry’ would be more appropriate than a greeting.

For what it’s worth, I’m sorry.

An apology would never be enough for the roller coaster of emotions I made you go through, but I want you to know how sorry I am for not being able to love you back. I tried, and that’s probably the only truth among all the lies I told you… I tried to love you back. I think I did love you, but not in a way that you hope I would.

There are days when I still think of you… of what happened between us. A couple of times, I would pick up my phone in the hopes that I’ll have the guts to call you, and then I will suddenly be reminded of why I shouldn’t do so. You are finally getting better, and I couldn’t… no, I shouldn’t drag you in the black hole of my uncertain feelings again. 

You were familiar, you were a safe choice. I wasn’t ready to take the risk on anyone else. I was scared, but I thought that you and I could make it work. On that part, I was wrong. 

You wanted someone who would always interlace her fingers with you. 

You wanted someone who’ll wake you up with a kiss in the morning. 

You wanted someone you can spend Sunday brunch with. 

You wanted someone who will remain head over heels in love with you. 

You wanted someone constant in your life. 

Sad part is, I wasn’t that girl and I will never be that girl… I knew this from the start.

I wouldn’t deny that there are times it would cross my mind… what could have been and what might have been if we continued to try.

Are we still together? Am I going to be the one wearing the sundress while I laugh at your jokes? Did I let an opportunity to truly be in love slip away? Are we going to be genuinely happy with each other?

I would daydream about us, but as soon as the thought vividly reflects on my mind, all the answers to my questions become evident. You and I will eventually break each other’s heart. Something that was forced would never work.

I am happy for you now, and I mean it.

I am happy not because I felt all the guilt washed away, but because I was right when I told you that someone else deserves an amazing guy like you. I can now stop myself from remembering your tear-stained face when I left you. I’d love to see you in my memories grinning from ear to ear and marveling at the beautiful woman that your broken heart lead you to. I want you to keep that smile and I want you to stay in love. 

I hope you now understand why I couldn’t stay before… I couldn’t make you hope for something that was never there. I couldn’t make you hold onto things that I will never be able to give. Seeing you made me realize what I was not sure of before… I couldn’t say I love you too because I never really saw myself with you. 

As I watch you whisper something in her ear, I realized that I made the right choice. Not the fact that I broke your heart, but the chance that you had to finally find the person who can give you the same amount of affection that my unstable heart was not able to do so.

I wish one day I could find myself as happy and as in love as you are right now.