This Is Why I Made Myself Unavailable

I went through a toxic relationship. Blinded by our memories, I ignored every sign in front of me. I made him my priority, but to him, I was not.

We broke up and it was hard on me. I kept thinking about him. Hell, there were nights I didn’t want to sleep because I was afraid I would dream about him. He was just there, in my life. Texting him every day right when I wake up, before I shower, before I get out of bed. Basically before anything else. He just became a routine, you know? A favorite routine.

Then one day he’s gone.

I wake up crying, I look at my phone and there were no texts from him, I would cry while taking a shower. I couldn’t stop crying for months thinking “Why wasn’t I good enough?” “What did I do wrong?”

God, I missed him so much.

But then one day, I decided to not be that broken hearted girl. I don’t want to be the girl with just another breakup story. I had two choices, to go back to being the old me or become a new me.

I wanted become better, happier than before. I needed to wake myself up. That my happiness doesn’t rely on others, it relies on me. I kept moving forward, I thought more about myself, I kept a positive mind. I started to be a new me, a happier version.

I spent more time with friends. I caught up on what’s happening with them and if there’s something new. That day, I saw the light at the end of the tunnel. That the grass is greener on the other side. But it all came crashing down. The light started to fade and I turned to a different tunnel. There I was, standing, I was indeed a new me, but a different one. At least not the one I expected to become. There was a third way to becoming new.

I was happy, contented with life, friends, and family, but I was afraid. I was afraid that something could sneak up on me and change everything. It was like an itch I couldn’t scratch. And I realized, that fear, that itch, was a relationship.

I was afraid of being in a relationship.

I was afraid of being in love again. The fear of not being good enough. The fear being blind again. I never want to go back to that place again. So, I made myself unavailable.