This Is Why I Refuse To Speak Your Name Anymore


I can’t mutter your name out of my mouth anymore. Your name just won’t roll off my tongue, as if it’s my body’s way of telling me to get over you. It leaves me with a quivering feeling in the back of my throat, almost like it’s going to make me sick if I say it out loud.

I get choked up and not in a good way. My stomach starts to turn, but in a way you never want to happen. You took everything from me and all you left me with was empty memories filled with deception and lies that now make me sick.

Where there was once chills running down my side and butterflies floating in my stomach there is now nothing but a sour taste in my mouth and a pit in my stomach. Where there was once happy memories related to your name now there is pain and hurt, so I refuse to speak your name anymore because it makes me sick.

You were once everything to me. You were my entire world until one day you decided I wasn’t what you wanted, so you left. You left without warning. I gave you everything and you tore it all away from me, violently and forcefully.

It was like a Band-Aid that was meant to be pulled off gently, but instead of counting to three, you ripped it off aggressively at one.

But before I could ask why you, you were gone. And when I called your name, you didn’t turn around, you just kept going without any hesitation to what you did or how much pain you caused me.

I guess it’s kind of silly, to compare the pain you caused me to a Band-Aid being pulled off, cliché, really. Because what it felt like was much worse than anything I’ve had ripped off my skin. What you did to me was worse, it was cruel and it felt planned. A plan that you came up with and only I had to suffer through the consequence of the pain.

I felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest. It felt like after you grabbed it and broke it you stomped around on it in front of me, as if my pain wasn’t already deep enough.

And now I refuse to speak your name because then you become real, again.

I refuse to speak your name because I don’t want you to be a topic of conversation. I refuse to speak your name because I need to close the chapter behind me that you played the main character in. I refuse to speak your name because I’m moving on with out you.

It’s my turn to move on and it’s my turn to be strong. It’s time to stop focusing on your life and it’s time to start focusing on mine. I know better now and I realize you never intended to stay. You walked away so quickly without a trip in your step while I could barely stand on my own two feet.

Now I refuse to speak your name because you don’t deserve that kind of attention from me anymore. I’m leaving you in the past, right where you belong.