This Is Why You Need To Stop With The Self Pity


There is nothing wrong with loving the crap out of everything. Negative people find their walls. So never apologise for your enthusiasm. Never. Ever. Never. – Ryan Adams

There’s an epidemic spreading. An epidemic of melancholic, ‘soul weary’, worn out 20 somethings, who insist they feel far too much to be fully understood by other mere mortals, and if you’re not sighing about the house in your yoga pants with them then by gosh, you lack depth or emotional capacity.

Would you like to know what the actual term for this state of being is?

It’s called self-pity.

I’m calling this one (and every person reading this thinking ‘does she me mean?’) out because I’ve been there, and I know what a vicious circle this way of being becomes. Without even realising it you’ll convince yourself that your emotions are unique, your way of thinking and capacity to feel the way you do is obscure and can’t be understood by ‘outsiders’. You’ll convince yourself of this while simultaneously devouring self-help books, blogs, poetry and playlists describing exactly what you’re feeling.

I don’t say this to be mean or disregard uniqueness. I say this because it’s time to snap out of it.

It’s time to stop thinking that melancholy is the chasm of one’s soul. Melancholy is a good thing, in small doses, and when weighed up with the positives that are happening in your life. You are not ‘weary’ of life because, to be frank, you haven’t scratched the surface of what life has to throw at you just yet.

The emotional depth that you think is unique to you is really a rather unpleasant form of narcissism. And that wistful longing for whatever it is you’re longing for, is really just the empty spaces of your life that you think will get better when you find whatever it is you’re wasting time longing for.

Deep down this form of self-pity is about insecurity.

You think you should be at a certain point in life. You’re trying to justify why you haven’t met the love of your life or found the career that fulfils you.

Why you’re living in a crappy studio instead of the two bed designer apartment of your dreams, or why you don’t have the dachshund puppy that you just know will make your life complete despite what your mother says (OK, those last two might just have been me).

If the way you feel about life is so deep and unique and can’t be understood, then maybe this is why the Universe (capital U) is struggling to throw some good back at you. Right?


The truth is you’re just living life and there is no substitute for cold hard life experience. When you submit to this form of self-pity and, let’s face it, negativity, you subconsciously make your life exist this way. You’ll find more things that you’ll think concur with what you’re thinking and feeling, and feel justified about it too (it’s called confirmation bias – have a read up about it and be amazed by just how much you do this in your everyday life).

I’m here to tell you that while this mode of being is tempting (and somewhat ‘on trend’ at the moment) I really do think you should reconsider, and pay attention to the wise words of my good friend Ryan Adams:

“There is nothing wrong with loving the crap out of everything. Negative people find their walls. So never apologize for your enthusiasm. Never. Ever. Never.” – Ryan Adams

Quit self-pity and become an enthusiast for your life.

Pursue opportunities and try things you wouldn’t ever do, even if you really don’t feel like it, and if you fail – great! The things that go wrong in our lives often make the best stories somewhere down the line and put us on paths we won’t find by sitting at home feeling sorry for ourselves.

And when something goes right – sing about your success! Especially if you worked hard for it. Be humble not egotistical and if you catch someone saying ‘Oh she loves herself’ tell them Hell Yeah I do! Because loving who you are and the life you make for yourself is not the same thing as thinking you’re better than other people.

When I decided to quit self-pity and take ownership of my life, everything changed. My outlook became about the now and what impact I could have in my present to create positive ripples into my future. I fell in love with who I was and where I was and each day became an endless opportunity to learn.

I gave up the ‘how’ and ‘why’ questions of the different aspects of my life that just didn’t seem to be falling into place, and somehow, everything did just fall into place. It’s not easy to do every day, and I still fall into the self-pity trap every now and then, but what matters is not getting stuck there.

My advice? Give the Universe and it’s capital U the finger, quit self-pity and fall in love with your life on your own terms.

Only good things will happen when you do.