Thoughtless God Sends Mike Brown To Help Cardinals Win World Series


Michael Brown, the young man murdered by police officer Darren Wilson two months ago in the St. Louis suburb of Ferguson has been issued his first prayer assignment by God. While being sent back to do the Lord’s work is status quo for martyrs, this particular task is rife with controversy. Instead of the usual seraphic duties of drawing ecclesiastical imagery on tortillas or helping Stephen Collins cope with his pedophilia, Brown has a difficult and uncomfortable task at hand.

Yes it seems that somewhere, someone dropped a bell. God has asked Mike Brown to step in to help the St. Louis Cardinals win the World Series. Considering the massive support Cardinals fans have shown for Brown’s murderer, the prayer is a potential conflict of interest, and this conflicted angel in the outfield is sparking quite a debate on the morality of divine intervention.

While it’s widely known that God exists, only revealing himself through his manipulation of professional sports and his borderline-exhibitionist obsession with putting his son’s face on Mexican food, no one is quite sure whether or not He actually knows what he’s doing. Situations like this further highlight God’s inability to navigate nuanced issues, and many on both sides are criticizing His decision to intervene in the game at all.

“In the wake of the shooting, with the horrific lack of justice and official accountability, I could at least take comfort in deluding myself into thinking Mike was in a better place,” said one protester. “But being forced to serve people that are actively cheering on your murderer? That’s not a better place. That’s just a different suburb of St. Louis.”

Just last week Cardinals fans showed their support for Darren Wilson by wearing “I am Darren Wilson” attire and chanting “go back to Africa” at Ferguson protesters during the final game of the NLDS. The Dodgers were subsequently eliminated that night, a consequence of sapping the market of the LA Angels, God’s favorite team. That time around, fans had no problem with God’s assistance, but now that they’re aware of who is operating in His name, they’re balking at the offer.

“I just hate how the media painted this kid as some kind of angel,” said one Cardinals fan who, by sheer probability, is probably also a racist and a child molester. “You just know he’s up there in heaven, listening to rap and wearing his pants wrong. I don’t want him on the team.”

He then proudly displayed his Darren Wilson diaper and kissed several photos of a gun.

“First of all, I don’t know why they don’t just ban prayer from professional sports,” said another protester. “You’re not allowed to do steroids because it’s considered performance enhancing, but you’re allowed to ask for help from an invisible force that can control the fate of the human race? I mean, isn’t that sort of a tacit acknowledgement by all parties involved that God doesn’t exist? If you even thought for a second that prayer might affect the outcome of the game, wouldn’t you want to at least limit it?”

A valid point, and something to consider as we watch the rest of the postseason play out. Will God back down, faced with a moral dilemma in his usually safe and straight-forward business of sports intervention? Or will God, for the sake of deific integrity, refuse to admit that He was wrong and just send another black man recently murdered by police to do Mike Brown’s job instead? Either way, it’s going to take a lot of Lady Guadalupe tortillas to rebuild His credibility after this gaffe.