To My Neighbors On The Stairwell Who Won’t STFU At 3 AM On A Week Night


Hey Guys,

I don’t mean to be a dick (actually, I’m not being one, you guys are) but, um, I was just wondering if you could not come here to smoke and drink and talk really loudly? I was just wondering if, like, you could just stay inside your apartment to do that, or go to the other stairwell, on the other side of the apartment, to be degenerate jobless assholes at 3 AM on a Monday morning?

You see, my bed is actually on the opposite side of the wall of the stairwell, and the only window in the bedroom nook opens directly adjacent to the railing you all lean against, blow smoke over, and tell ridiculously unfunny jokes that are laughable only when their stupidity is recognized (or if you’re a drunk person in your group). My point is, your inconsiderate yammering sounds like it’s coming from inside my room, you assholes, and your cigarette smoke fills my apartment every time you light up.

I smoke cigarettes sometimes. I drink with my friends often. But here’s why I think I’m being reasonable. First, because around the 15th time you woke me up in a month, I finally worked up the courage to go out and say something. I know, I’m a pussy, but I actually did it – I asked you very nicely and apologetically, “Hi guys. Do you think you could stop coming out here so late?” Etc. It was chill – the interaction was chill. You were all very apologetic and agreed not to come out anymore – that you would just go to the other stairwell. It was totally reasonable! But it was all lies.

Second, our apartment allows smoking. So if you think about it, what you’re doing is making me take responsibility for the cigarette smoke that you don’t want in your apartment – it all wafts directly into mine. It’s annoying.

The third reason I’m completely in the right here is because there’s an identical stairwell on the other side of the building where there may live someone who sleeps deeper than I do, as well as numerous exits you can take to get to this thing called “the sidewalk.” All of these options provide identical or highly similar experiences to the one you seek on my side of the building, and require the most minimal amount of effort and consideration to pursue.

Finally, my stance is reasonable because it’s not 2 AM on a Saturday night, it’s 3 AM ON A MONDAY MORNING, AND THEN 1 AM ON A WEDNESDAY MORNING, AND THEN 3 AM ON A THURSDAY MORNING. Who are you, anyways?

Friends, this sucks for me. Obviously, unlike you, I have a regular job, and I have responsibilities, such as providing myself with a diet that is not just PBR and Lays Original potato chips. For these things to occur without me feeling like shit, I must be able to sleep during the early hours of the morning. But you consistently prevent that for reasons I can’t comprehend. It’s all very frustrating. I’ve talked to the resident manager, he told me to call him when it happens again. I’m going to. I hope he catches you, and each of you gets fined upwards of $200. If not, this is my “fuck you.”

That is all.

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image – Emily Walker