To The Boy I Believed When He Told Me He Loved Me

It’s an abstract concept.

One day you met eyes with a person across the street, maybe he sat next to you in class. You sparked up a conversation with him because you liked his smile and before you knew it, that single day shaped into five, twenty, eighty days.

You pulled all-nighters with this stranger. You play-fought, you laughed, you screamed, you cried with him. Time continued on and you found you’d told him things you hadn’t even yet admitted to yourself. Likely because you didn’t even know who you really were until he brought out this side of you. And he accepted this side of you.

Rather, he cherished every ounce of you.

You saw it in his eyes; the way he looked at you while you were falling asleep and the way he looked at you while you were doing headstands in your underwear at 3 am. All things felt unconditional.

This stranger became your best friend and the same reason you woke up giddy everyday when you rolled over to see him still sound asleep. You weren’t even a morning person but he had you laughing and dancing and ready to take on the day after he held you tight for a few minutes. And those minutes always flew by.

A funny picture, exciting news, or bad news – he was the first and only one you chose to run to with the little things. You found yourself looking forward to everyday, no matter how stressful or shitty, because you knew by dusk, you’d have open time to spend and laugh with him.

Although it wasn’t always good times and laughter; the difference felt vague when you were in his presence, because all you really wanted was to be in his presence. Even when he pissed you off, he was the only person you wanted to run and complain to. But the good times always cancelled out the bad, and in crept a sense of permanence.

This is the point where things got fucked up.

The word dependency has a negative connotation; nobody in their right mind is willing and able to place their personal contentment and happiness into the hands of another. But this is inevitable with an essence of permanence, which is the greatest fault when you’re falling in love.

Putting yourself in a vulnerable environment where you accept love with open arms; that turns into happiness dependency, no matter how you spin it. Yes, you can still find happiness without this person. Letting go of someone who’s not right for you may open doors to the potential of creating room for much more happiness.

But when you’re in love with the person that you should probably let go, your thoughts are a little more narrow.

So he told you he loved you. You could’ve acted surprised, but you’d known he’d loved you for a while now. Granted it happened quickly, but does love have a timeline?

Because ours sure didn’t.

From the point when he told you those three words up until three weeks later, you still got butterflies when you heard it but it came out of your mouth in response fluidly, naturally. Nothing really changed with those words, which you figured was a good thing. It was raw and new to be in love again and you didn’t want to interfere with something that felt pure.

But as time continued on, really nothing changed. He still held you in the morning, he still texted you everyday. He still played with your hair and listened to you rant and he still rolled his eyes and kissed you when you told him you looked ugly.

You began to sleep better when he was laying there next to you.

Time trudged on and you kept waiting for his love to be reflected in his actions. He remained your rock; the one you came home to every night. But he didn’t take you out. He didn’t show you how much he cared. He didn’t bring you out with him, he didn’t take you out to dinner, and he didn’t buy you $9.99 flowers from Albertsons on Valentines Day.

He told you that he loved you once every night before going to sleep and once every other day when he was drunk. He refused to post about your relationship, which was never even your cup of tea… You just hoped he would so you could find comfort in him caring enough to let everyone know that he loved you.

That’s all you wanted.

You found yourself constantly searching social media sites to see if his “psycho” ex-girlfriend had posted another picture with him. His phone buzzed and you saw the resemblance of a heart next to a name, so without thinking you clicked his phone just to make sure it wasn’t another girl when it was his mom. You fought about this and you argued about that and he offered up his phone to you… To read through his messages… And a part of you actually considered.

Time continued to pass by and still nothing changed, even when he told you it would, because you were worth that change to him. So when no change came about, was it wrong for your first question to be in regards to your worth?

Soon you realized that amidst an internal battle that continued down a spiralling path, you were left constantly feeling like you were asking for too much, and that you might not be whom he thought you were.

And when he told you the truth: that he’s lazy and that he hardly follows through in effort… You were stuck once again questioning where you went wrong, when you didn’t give him enough, why you weren’t enough.

But realize this: it’s not you, it’s him. 

He doesn’t care because he doesn’t think he has to. He takes things and people for granted because he chooses to do so. He has no motivation or ambition because he hasn’t found something that sparks his drive to succeed since he fell out of love with his passion.

So what happens when he falls out of love with you?

You’re sitting here thinking about his smile but you’re also thinking about last night when you were curled up on the ground crying because he was telling you how wrong you were for feeling all the things you felt and he wouldn’t even give you a chance to talk.

He’s broken, but so were you when you fell in love for the first time. So the second time around, you see a little bit of yourself in him.

But you’re realizing you gave him all you had to give, when you didn’t even have much left. He might not care enough to compromise and fill your cup, but he’s hurting you by not doing so.

And if it’s conditional, it’s not love.

It’s at this exact moment when you recognize that words… are just simply words.

And this person was just a stranger to you anyways.