To The Boy Who Was Too Far Away, I Love You Unconditionally

I know that ultimately the end of our relationship was my fault. You may have been the one to end it, but I’m the one who moved away to school. I am the one who did not do every single thing I could to integrate you into my new life, so I get it. I did not come home every chance I had, because I was focused on furthering my career and not us. I do not regret the choices I made, I get to live my dream every day. I do regret losing you from my life. You were my best friend before you were my boyfriend, and it is that relationship I mourn. I am sad I cannot call someone who means so much to me and tell him my good news. I wish I could still be the person you call to tell yours. I am heartbroken I could not call to console you when Jordyn died. I could not call you not because you did not want to hear from me, but because someone does not trust you to have a conversation with an old friend. An old friend who is a thousand miles away, who is happy with who they are with, and whom you’ve been romantically separated from for several years. She has no reason not to trust you or us. Yet she treats you as though if you speak to someone she disapproves of she will stop loving you, and that makes me angry. It makes me irate anyone would use the threat of not loving you to control you. I hope any one who loves you does not do so lazily. I want someone rare and brilliant for you.

I love you unconditionally. I do not demand or expect anything in return. That means whether you love me or not, I will always have love for you. That does not mean I am still in love with you, because I am not. A lot of time has passed, I am sure we are in very different places now, and it was not meant to be. But there is nothing you can do to lose my love. The severing of our romantic link does not change how you impacted me, and I do not wish to pretend we did not happen. Our love was a great love, but even great loves end, and somehow that can be okay. No matter how much time passes, whether we do or do not talk, no matter who you become, I will love you. There is no imperfection you could acquire to lose the place you have in my heart. You are such an important part of my story. You taught me about love, patience and kindness. You were a part of me growing up and learning to love and that will always be true. It will always be my truth that your love influenced my life and I would not trade it. (I hope you feel the same.) Just because we may not be a part of each other’s futures does not mean it erases the spot I created for you in my heart. Love is a choice. Once I choose, you are in my heart for my life. What you are to me may change, but that I care for you does not. It hurt when it ended, but I would not trade the hurt for a life without you. The fact that I am no longer allowed to be in contact with someone who was my best friend, it hurts. I grieve because I lost you because of another person’s insecurity, not because of anything between us. I’ve been trying to understand, and I’ve come up with this: people feel threatened by unconditional love because is not competitive, it simply is. I wish instead of trying to make sure no one else loves you, she would love you better.

So, should you read this – do not accept conditional love. I see my friend being treated as less than they are and I ache. Affection should not run hot and cold, and you deserve something beautiful. You merit someone who trusts you. You deserve to never have someone try to take away people from your life, simply so that you have less. You are worthy of someone who does not wish to control and change you. Allow yourself to be loved in the way that you should. Be loved by someone who gives you everything. Make the choice to invest your love only in someone who deserves it. Do not quit fighting to find the person who loves you in the fullest and kindest way. I hope you realize that you deserve someone who does not use their love as a bargaining tool, threatening to take it away if you do not do as they say.

I hope for more for you because you were so much to me. While I may not be in love with you anymore, I still hope for you to find a bold love filled with patience and understanding. It is my hope that you find someone who does not dull your spark. It is my hope that you find the 1 in 7 billion people on this planet meant for you. This world can be so lonely, broken and heavy. I hope you find someone to keep your heart light and safe. I hope you find someone full of appreciation and acceptance, who would never dream of abandoning your heart to get their way. I hope that you find someone who builds you up and does not take away from all that you are. If they think that you are too much, please move on because you should have someone who will love you completely. When you find her she will love you unconditionally, and she will treat you with the trust and respect you deserve. Please do not settle for anything less than the sun, and do not let someone who wishes to keep you earth bound make you anything other than everything you are meant to be.

I love you unconditionally. I can walk away if it will help her to love you more brightly. If someone will not love you completely until you have a life without me, I concede. I love you enough to give you up.

Since the opportunity has been stolen from me, here it is: Goodbye. I hope if this finds you, it finds you well. I will always have hope that your heart finds the greatest love and you find happiness.