To The Guy Who Got Away

To the Guy Who Got Away,

When I first met you, I disliked you. Intensely.

You were strutting around college, with your no-care attitude, and that was a huge put-off for me.

Despite making up my mind that I would never associate myself with you, life tossed us together. Over time, I realized that underneath all the nonchalance, was someone with a heart. I grew to love you, just the way you were. Imperfect as you were, to me, you fit perfectly into my life.

As you grew to realize that your feelings for me too were growing, you pushed me away, in fear of hurting me. You couldn’t trust yourself, and I understood. I fought on, relentlessly, finding my way to you, somehow. Trying to find a way to tell you that we were meant to be. After two years of trying to convince you, I gave up. Given up on you, on us. Given up on love. Love wasn’t supposed to be this hard. If it was meant to be, it would find its way, I argued.

Sure enough, couple of weeks later, you started to accept what you felt for me. Love terrified you, and yet, there you were, braving your fears, and confessing you loved me. I should have run into your arms then, but I couldn’t. I had locked my heart away, in fear of hurting myself all over again.

As I sat there, wondering if I should go back to you or move on, our past flashed before me. Three years of memories. Three years of fights. Three years of love.

I remember how we fought so much, and my, our fights sure brought hell down on earth. We both threw our tantrums; we both often took turns to say hurtful words to each other. We’d leave in frustration, and somehow, find our way back to each other after a couple of weeks. We weren’t like any other couple. We had seen the other at their worst, and yet, something held us together. With each fight, we came closer. With each misunderstanding, we understood the other a little better.

Well, we failed to realize that from our fights, insecurities grew too. I was afraid you’d wake up the next day, and decide you’d leave me. You were afraid I would never be proud of the guy you were today, and I would never want you.

I decided to trust my heart, and take a step towards you. It wasn’t easy, and we had our over-whelming insecurities driving us apart. All over again. We couldn’t handle each other, and we walked away from each other.

It wasn’t that we didn’t love each other. I know there could never be anyone who loved me as much as you ever did. I guess we fell in love at the wrong time, and we couldn’t handle it. Maybe we should have kept reminding ourselves of the beautiful memories we shared, to keep us from falling apart. Sometimes I think that we were both so messed up on our own; we failed to realize that together, we were the perfect mess. Or maybe, we just weren’t meant to be.

I think of you, from time to time. I wonder if you are happy, and at peace, because I’m no longer throwing my tantrums at you. I wonder if we would have made it, had love come our way much later. Despite the countless chances we gave each other, a part of me wonders if it would have worked out had we given it one more chance.

I know I will find love someday, and you will too. I wish that meant us finding our way back to each other, but I know life doesn’t work that way. We will move on with our lives, find love elsewhere, but I know that a part of me will always love you. ‘Cause to me, you are the guy who got away.