To The Man Who Broke Down My Walls

I want to write this letter not to tell you my story but to let you know what role you had in my life. Believe me that this is not to confront you but to thank you.

In my part, loving you gives me a roller coaster of emotions—loving you one day and then hating you the next. One second I am very determined to fight for you, then backing off when I see reasons not to.

Loving you leaves me with a lot of questions. Does he appreciate me? Does he care? Does he want to stay? From one simple question to another and another and another that led to the biggest question I could not answer: Does he really love me? As what I know, love should not be questionable. If you are loved, these may come across your mind, but not to the point of asking them day after day. Don’t get me wrong, I know you have your own ways. I get you. But this is my side, and I want to be truthful to you.

I want to tell you how I viewed love before. I write “before” because that was before I knew a different kind of love. I saw love as something to protect, guard, and cherish, not something to just give away to anybody who couldn’t handle it. Love was dangerous for me. And that being said, I knew love more as a negative thing, a thing that could hurt me or break me if I let it happen. And that’s where I became careful not to make mistakes. I did not allow people to love me if I didn’t see their sincerity. Actually, I didn’t even let myself love people if I saw a danger in it. It was hard for me, so hard that I fought with my own self every single time.

At first, I saw that kind of attitude as a wise. I was always prepared for any battle to come. I was habitually ready to let go of people, regardless of how much I loved them and how much it would hurt me. My mindset was, “If he really loves me, he will fight for me even if I won’t make him feel like I am into him that much.” The thing is, I needed this kind of attitude to survive when I was younger, and it continually developed through years until it came to a point that I lost control over it.

The main reason I wrote you this letter is to thank you. The memories we’ve shared might not be a lot, but they will stay with me forever. Thank you for hurting me. I almost gave you everything and was ready to love you completely, but maybe it was not meant to be. I also want to tell you that because of what happened to us, I finally see the beauty of love. With you, I felt like I truly loved someone, and with you I honestly felt the hurt. Frankly, I never knew I still could love someone and be hurt by someone this much. I was amazed by how much I felt all those emotions, and it made me feel alive again. Our breakup made me realize that I still have love to give and I am still willing to be hurt by someone I love. It massively opened my mind and my heart to all the possibilities.

I feel like I was in a glass box all my life, and now that I’ve broken that glass, I feel so free. I have never, ever felt this way before. I feel like my heart was electroshocked, suffered the unbearable pain, but felt more alive after that. I honestly did not expect this would happen to me. You introduced me not to a new version of me, but the real version of myself. I was blinded to who I was before and molded myself into someone who wasn’t really me. Now I know who I truly am and the capabilities I have.

I lived my life fully convinced that heartbreak can be avoided or fought with a good mixture of carefulness, running, distance, and walls. But now I don’t want to be strong; I don’t want to be that careful anymore. Because in love, there is no perfect time. You can make mistakes no matter how old you are or in whatever stage you are in your life. That is love for me now. And you made me see this wonderful thing, and that is why I want to thank you. You made me look forward to the next love adventure I will face, and that time I would be willing to give my all regardless of whether it would be to the right person or not.

The truth is, I underestimated love. I controlled it until it started to control me. It truly is so powerful that it can go inside and linger even in the strongest person on earth.

I also would like to say sorry for not realizing this when we were together. I know I did things that hurt you as well. I’m sorry you didn’t find the love you were looking for in me.  And let me say again: thank you. I hope the best for you.