To The Person I Used To Be, This Year Will Be Better


The inevitable inconsistency of life does not and should not make us incapable, but sometimes, it shrinks us that we want to go incognito.

Hey, how was 2016? Yep, I am talking to you. Let us put a line between the general 2016, which are the things that everyone (almost) know; and the specific 2016, which is all about you. In times of inexplicable variety of “shows”, I am enlisting those that I have felt, have grieved, have ugly-cried, have solaced, and have settled inner peace with – acceptance and letting go. Maybe you could relate, maybe not. But life, when shared, helps us gain. So, we begin.

Life is not a word to define, but a meaning to be found. This year, I have sought things I thought were worth fighting for. Do not get me wrong, I still think that they are worth it. But when we have exhausted all that we could do, what else is left but to relieve yourself of that exhaustion – let it be. Because I have learned that for certain milestones to be found, all we need is to stand firm – so long as we keep that posture, even if we are confused, answers just find their way to us.

I walked tall, but still fell short. Who never felt disappointment? Who never felt cheated?
Who never asked for vengeance? Who never actually plotted against somebody, against a group of people? Were these things easy to do? Were they within a man’s capacity? Of course! Though, however feelings make us do, if love and inner peace are with you, you can just say – “One day, it will all make perfect sense.” Sure, it’s hard to be “haunted” by some actions we thought we could’ve done, but it’s even harder to be “haunted” by the things we would’ve done out of anger or whatever but never fully understood their repercussions, until the right time comes, and repentance will never bring anything back.

Some may think they have taken everyTHING away from me, but not everyONE. Yep, noticed? Things that people take from us are superbly replaceable, but not the people we live with. Besides, people around our sphere of influence aren’t easy to count out. At night, before we lay ourselves down, when our emotions shrink to the quietest, loneliest part of our hearts, and once peace consoled, we could just say – “God, thank you, for letting them take almost everything away from me. It made me realize having less is having more.”

Deception is a reception based on half-blinded people’s perception. We tend to believe what we see, what people make us feel, what the world makes us habituate into, but the truth will always find its way home. While there are people who deceive, there are also people who perceive, assess, and infer. It is in allowing darkness that light can be recognized amidst all turmoil. Pervert can be reverted, y’know.

Love is not blind. Sometimes, fog around us just makes us turn our backs but really, that person sometimes is there, sitting right under your nose. Well, a book author said something like – we want and dream of a love we thought we deserve. We will always find it interesting to be with somebody. We see a great spark within, and sometimes we aren’t really sure and that is okay, because the vehicle to finding love is taking paths and a lot of times we get hurt in the process, but it doesn’t make life unfair. Acceptance that everything we meet is a lesson makes it easier. Even at your worst, love at your best.

I am not even half the person I used to be, and that is completely horrifying, but not strong enough to break me. I am not the ever-achiever person anymore. In fact, I feel so vulnerable these days. A lot of things have changed. Regardless of these, one thing I am assured of – that what I have within are still with me. But the greatest thing sometimes is unlearning everything that made me tough. Because when we allow vulnerability to take its place, we learn the ability to love genuinely, not thinking of everything that we see as a mere business that needs to be fulfilled with measurable targets and produce a defined outcome. Life was never like that. I was never a business. I am a human.

Hey – are you okay? That was okay. You were okay. You are still okay. You are getting by, passers-by still bump into you, you still smile randomly to people you never know, and you are still walking tall, my former self! Sometimes, indignation gets into us but I think it gets balanced with dignity and principle that we live by. It’s easy to lose sight of things when we are saddened and belittled by our own emotions at a certain moment, but if we keep going, no matter how random and hopeless it may seem, we will find what we are looking for.

I know, you don’t want to be alone.
I know, you are afraid. More than ever, this time of your life is far more certain of who you are and what you could offer, but having more uncertain people coming in is threatening. Worry not, things always get better in time. So, what if people use you for their own sake? Nobody is perfect anyway. Well, what I’m saying is – don’t be harsh on yourself. As you mentioned, you are not the same person from your past. Well, congratulations, you just released yourself from the shackles of a dark past. But heed this – you will never be able to walk past to the future if you keep on perfecting your present and thinking restlessly about what lies ahead. It wasn’t about plans, you know that, alright? Sometimes, you have to be a lone soul to survive, but you were never alone.

2016 is more than you could take
, according to you. But you still breathe, you still laugh, you still have your loved ones, you still know your craft, and you still have a person that makes you happy. Maybe, this is not a letter to your former self – maybe this is a letter to your future self, that one day, when you are able to read this again, you will have mixed emotions and say – “Lord, had it not been for pain, I will never be who I am today; for every pain, there is gain; for every gain, there is glory; and for every glory, there is peace.”

So go, and live.