Tonight, I Am Lonely


I am lonely.

I feel like I could be the only person on the planet right now. No, I take that back. That would be easier. If I were the only person on the planet, then this sinking feeling I have would make much more sense. If I were the only person on the planet, then I wouldn’t have to think about what everyone else is doing and how it’s possible that with 7-something-billion people in the world, I could feel so damn alone.

Intellectually, I know that I am not alone. That’s really why I’m writing this. Because I know that there’s someone out there that feels this too, and so then you can read this and realize you’re not alone, and I can find comfort in the fact that you’re somewhere, reading my words, knowing we’re alone together.

I know my people are coming. I put myself out there. I’m not hiding anymore. I have faith. I understand how the Universe works. I know all things are working together for my good. I know there is a reason for this lonely season. But God, I’m just sick of it.

I love people. I love loving people. I am so good to people, too good in fact; I know because I’ve been told. I have so much to give, so much to share. I crave connection. Not just the surface stuff, the real, deep, see-right-through-to-the-soul connection. I’ve tasted it before and I crave it now.

I’ve been alone for so long. I haven’t complained. I’ve kept a positive spirit.

But God, tonight I’m just sad.

I’m sad because it’s a beautiful night. It’s the perfect weather, that early fall temperature where there’s a crispness in the air, but it’s warm enough that you want to be outside. It’s the perfect night to sit by the fire, telling stories and reminiscing and fighting over the aux cord. Or sit on a patio at a bar, listening to someone play some John Mayer cover. Or walk along the beach, blissfully ignoring how cold the sand is on your feet. I know I can do these things by myself. But you know what? It’s just not the same. So I stayed in. And that is just a real bummer.

Tonight, God, I just don’t get it. Where the fuck are my people?

Every part of me wants to now write about the faith I have that they are coming, that everything is temporary, that there are a million silver linings to be drawn—that’s just who I am. I never stay down. I can find the good in any bad. If you’re looking for answers, if you’re looking for hope or faith or inspiration, I am your girl. Just not tonight.

Tonight, I decided this is not a message of hope and faith and inspiration. Tonight, this is me saying that I am lonely. It was the perfect night to have an adventure with the people you love, or hell, just someone, and I didn’t have that and that is a serious bummer. Tonight, this is me saying that I think that it’s bullshit that I am a fierce lover. I’m really good to people, and I don’t think someone like me should have to feel this alone for this long.

Tonight, I decided I am allowed to be upset. And so, my fellow loner, you are too. This is me saying that I feel you and I agree, you should not have to feel this alone for this long.

Tomorrow, I will return my usual inspiring messages. Tomorrow, I’ll write another piece about why we have to go through times like this. Tomorrow, I’ll wake up chipper, do yoga, do the kind of work that makes me excited for my future, and have a full day. But tonight, I’m going to pour myself a drink and watch season one of Friday Night Lights for the 17th time, hoping Coach Taylor and Timmy Riggins will distract me enough from the quiet in this house. Because tonight, I am lonely.