Turn Down For This: 20 Things For Which I Would Temporarily Sober Up

I’m getting pretty sick of Lil’ Jon’s shit.

I don’t really like being told what to do by most people, let alone a 43-year-old man who still rocks a grill and wears sunglasses indoors, and whose songs generally have about 10 different words—total—included in the lyrics.

But it’s like ever since Lil’ John became culturally relevant, he’s been telling me to do random things through his songs, like to get low, put my hood up, act a fool, step my game up, work it out, snap my fingers, do a whole bunch of shots, et. al.

Most recently, he has been telling me almost incessantly (albeit indirectly) to not turn down (which means to not sober up and to keep partying my taint off).

Don’t get me wrong. I love getting all the way turnt’ up. My ability to drink a lot is one of the few things I feel I truly excel at. But I’m an adult now. I have myriad responsibilities, and now possess both a body and mind that will cease to operate in any productive way if I’m Shia Labeouf-level blitzed all the time.

Here are 20 things for which I would turn down for.

1. To drive a car or operate another kind of heavy machinery. This is, like, probably one of the most obvious reasons a person should completely turn down.

2. To hold a little baby or to take care of a child. You can turn it back up once they’re in bed, silly! Long as you’re quiet, of course.

3. In order to propose coherently to a woman. I feel like that’s something I’ll want to completely remember, and completely not fuck up.

4. A job interview. Even if it’s not ‘til the next day. You need your rest.

5. To attend a funeral. I think it’s reasonable and totally encouraged to occasionally get boozed up before and after one of these, as it can sometimes help the grieving process, but you’ve got to keep it in check. Especially if you’re not one of the people on the highest level of bereavement.

6. A family gathering, because my entire family already believes I am an alcoholic and so now I try to hide my drinking from them because I’m totally not an alcoholic and hiding my drinking habits doesn’t mean I am one, OK? I don’t want to hear it, mom!

7. When I’m messaging with a girl on Tinder and she asks me who the other guy in my profile picture is and if I would mind passing along his contact information. That’ll take the wind right out of your sales.

8. Sunday night premium television programming. Because if you get hammered and watch such nuanced and complicated shows as The Leftovers or Mad Men after playing through from brunch drinking, then you’re going to forget what happens and have to re-watch it the next day. Trust me on this one. Also, there is nothing worse than being hungover on a Monday.

9. For a nice long nap, especially when you were turning up during the daytime. This way, you may be able to rally. Or you can just hang out at home on a weekend night. It’s not as bad as it sounds.

10. When my girlfriend is giving me a bunch of shit for getting too drunk in public and embarrassing myself and annoying our friends. Especially when I have that one drunken yet lucid moment where I realize I have been imagining that I have a girlfriend for the past couple of hours. When in reality, I’ve just been arguing with a pinball machine or a coat rack.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HMUDVMiITOU&w=1280&h=720]

11. A nice big plate of dumplings, because they are so enjoyable on their own that you don’t need any substances to enhance them.

12. All-you-can-eat seafood of any kind. This is often expensive, and you don’t want booze filling you up and taking away from the mass of crab legs, mussels, clams, etc. that you can consume. You’ve got to get your money’s worth when binge eating.

13. To do some reading. One of the only (non-human) things I love in this world as much as getting drunk is just going hard as a motherficker on a delightful book or comic. Sometimes I like to kick back and hoover some scotch and/or some red wine while I read, but I’ve got to turn down at least a little bit or else my vision and memory simultaneously blur. My retention goes to about nil. It sucks to wake up in the morning and wonder what happened and where you left off in the book.

14. To go and get a haircut. If I get too wasted before that I might ask the barber to give me either a Neymar Jr. or a Green/White Ranger.

15. To indulge in some online shopping. The other day I was way out of it when I went online and dropped more than a C-note on OldNavy.com. Do you know how hard that is to even do? Old Navy basically gives you a box full of clothing and then asks only that you pay $7.50 for shipping. Furthermore, when you’re drunk, you may log on ostensibly to take advantage of a sale and then end up buying a bunch of things you didn’t even realize were selling at regular price. Then the next day you’re all, “Wait, only the bootcut jeans were on sale, not the low-rise straight leg? Dick move, Old Navy. You know nobody wants your goddamn bootcut jeans.”

16. General maturation. We can’t all be in our 40s wearing tall tees and singing “songs” about things we do in nightclubs.

17. Masturbation. You ever try rubbing one out when you’re all wrecked? Terrible experience.

18. Sex with a woman. Can we please not talk about what it means that my mind went with masturbation before actual sex?

19. Any sort of major surgery. Don’t worry—you’ll probably get all kinds of wild drugs afterward for recovery.

20. A case of heartburn. That stuff is fierce.