Twilight Emergency Audience Response (TEAR)


Have you just seen the latest Twilight film Breaking Dawn? Are you experiencing subsequent confusion, depression, lack of female empowerment, or seizures? If so, please review our list of frequently asked questions.

Q: Bella waits until she’s married to have sex, but then when she does, she gets pregnant with a baby that seems to want to kill her. Is this truly God’s justice?

A: On a scale of “The McRib is only available for a limited time” (truly unjust) to “Kim Kardashian’s wedding lasted 72 days” (truly just), Bella’s miraculous vampiric conception is about as just as “Nicholas Cage’s career.”


Q: The only thing I really learned about Bella in the movie is that she’s a girl (apparently a very fertile girl), and that she really likes sex. Is that all there is to her?

A: Yes.


Q: Throughout the movie, Bella’s baby is referred to as a baby, a fetus, and a demon child. Which is it?

A: According to my Mom, babies are all of the above at some point.


Q: Can a werewolf really fall in love with a baby?

A: This question can only be answered with another question: is a bodice-ripping young adult series about bestiality and necrophilia written by a Mormon really one of the best-selling book and film franchises of all time?


Q: Charlie Swan, Bella’s dad, has an impressive mustache. Can I grow one just like that?

A: Adopting a mustache is a big responsibility, and you have to make sure you’re ready for both the joys and consequences that come with it. Remember, a mustache begins at the stubble, so you can’t shave it off – doing so would be to kill your fledgling mustache and damn you to Facial Hair Hell.


Q: Breaking Dawn left me with a lot of questions. Is there a sequel that will answer my questions?

A: Our scientists are still working to figure this out. However, they have narrowed it down to two possibilities: 1) There is no sequel to Breaking Dawn or 2) There is a sequel, but it will most likely not answer your questions. Only time will tell.


Q: What is “the most absolute law”?

A: This is a question philosophers have pondered for centuries. Socrates thought it was that the body and soul are separate; Hegel thought it was his system of absolute idealism. But the most absolute law, in modern opinion, is that Twilight: Breaking Dawn should not be seen sober.

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image – Twilight