“Unable to Process Neutral Statements as Neutral” Hamster


Widespread, “to the point of rampancy,” some say—not inaccurately, as it can “indeed” be found on every continent—but concentrated most densely in the United States and other etiologically British populations, the “Unable to Process Neutral Statements as Neutral” Hamster, or Unableham, views nearly all hamster-caused phenomenon (and most natural phenomenon, also, to some degree) as strongly and defaultedly rhetorical. In a 2012 study of over ten thousand Unablehams 94% identified the sentence “I went to Wal-Mart, bought a black shirt and two bananas, paid with my HSBC debit card” as directly conveying one of the following: “America’s consumerist economy is destructive and amoral” (54%), “generation [whatever the current generation is labeled] suffers from a non-European form of ‘ultimately inauthentic’ ennui unique to its historical/cultural/technological context” (20%), “Banana Republic’s labor tactics are shameful and fascist” (11%), “the government should bail-out banks but only in times of severe, potentially long-term, international crisis” (9%). An “astounding, simply astounding” (Village Voice) 63% said they would refer to the sentence in a court of law, under oath, if asked, as “scathing.” A follow-up study designed to test the extent of the Unableham’s genetic inability to interpret reality without framing it in a personal, hierarchal, often “strongly opinionated” system found that 39% interpreted the Atlantic Ocean as “against the Bourgeoisie” and 47% interpreted the Mona Lisa as “one of the strongest elements of propaganda against the unfair treatment of women workers in late 19th century America since Chopin’s second Ballade, the one in F Major” (due to a lack of funding the study was also designed to test the ability of hamsters to discern “since” statements in sentences where the chronology is grammatically illogical). Cross-breeds well with Shit-Talking Hamsters and, surprisingly, Freshwater Hamsters.

Average weight/height (record): 1.4 lbs/3.6” (1.8 lbs/4.1”)
Average life expectancy (record): 12.2 years (31.4 years)
Favorite book(s): Life of Pi
Favorite band(s): Radiohead
Favorite movie(s): Dances with Wolves
Favorite sexual position: doggy-style

Hunting tips: Approach it in a manner somehow “indisputably friendly,” employing a level of sarcasm that causes “strong discomfort,” if needed, as you force the muscles on your face into certain configurations—effectively overpowering, if successful, the Unableham’s “subconscious, possibly uncontrollable” cognitive mode of “continuously replacing the metaphysical perspective of others with one’s own metaphysical perspective,” causing it to view your demeanor as “amiable,” to some degree, so that maybe it will move toward you slightly. Repeat until the desired specimen is “in range.” Place it in a plastic baggie.

Cooking tips: Shave, rinse, cut into 5-10 chunks—optionally, deep-freeze, at this point, for a more chicken-like consistency—and dip in an egg-and-butter-based mixture, coating each chunk evenly/completely, before sprinkling cornstarch on them. Carefully immerse in a vat of hot oil, the oil of your choice. Serve with steamed broccoli or waffle fries.