Ways To Literally Live Metaphorically


In celebration of the recent discovery that the true definition of the word ‘literally’ is rapidly meeting its demise, I give you: Ways to Literally Live Metaphorically.

How to Really “Live On the Edge”

  1. Spend a lot of time teetering on the edges of cliffs. Push beyond that feeling that usually gets you to back away (I think it’s called ‘survival instinct’ or ‘intuition’) and just really face that abyss beneath you head on. Embrace the feeling of earth crumbling beneath your feet and the sound of pebbles bouncing off the rock walls below you. Dare yourself to cross your toes over the edge. Don’t waste your time concentrating on balance when you could be living.
  2. Sleep in precarious places. Curl up on the top branch of a tree. Rest in a hammock on the side of a cliff. Get a little shuteye on the dotted lines on the highway.
  3. Hang out at fences, property lines, borders. Remember to toe the line, and stare bravely into the face of what-is-not-over-here.
  4. Most important of all is that you remember not to cross that boundary between Living On the Edge and Living (or Dying) Over the Edge or, perhaps, Falling Off the Deep End.

How to Really “Shoot for the Moon”

This one is going to be dangerous, disappointing, and potentially illegal. I probably shouldn’t divulge anymore details.

How to Really “Make the Most of Things”

  1. Own everything. Create every object that anyone could ever want, and keep it all for yourself. Who’s laughing at your Pog factory now?
  2. Have the highest salary possible. Work, scheme, and launder your way to a higher tax bracket than anyone else has ever reached. Bill for more hours than there are in the day. Work until you forget what color your house is. If you aren’t making the most, you aren’t making the most of things.
  3. Be that enviable person who can top any statement. Win every contest that no one else realized they’d signed up for. Start every sentence with an italicized I, and try to understand that everyone else is just jealous.
  4. Overanalyze every statement. Read between the lines between the lines. Assume the worst in every situation, and react accordingly.

How To “Follow Your Heart”

  1. Stand perfectly still.
  2. Wait.
  3. Wait more.
  4. If your heart starts pounding against your chest, this might be an indication that your heart wants to push forward. Take a step forward for every pound of your heart. At this rate, you’ll be across the room by daybreak. But after all, distance makes the heart grow fonder.

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image – Jamie Davies