She Was The One I Wanted Most To Stay


I had long forgotten what it felt like to love someone and to have my entire world revolve around a very being, until I met her. Big brown eyes, black hair and tiny hands with even tinier fingernails. I never knew I would fall so madly in love with her. It’s kinda funny because she never laid an impression on me on the night we first met, when we had dinner together with a couple of friends. Little did I know, she became my world, a few months down the road.

Some days were golden, some weren’t. If I’m being honest, sometimes it was an uphill battle and sometimes it was smooth sailing, where everything just fell into place so effortlessly. We made it through the good and the bad, the terrible fights we had and the laughs that made our stomachs ache, we made it through everything until we didn’t.

I had hoped that she would be the one I’d love for the rest of my life and maybe it was silly of me but I loved her,

God, did I love her and I still do, till this day. We planned our lives together, with whiskey on our breath, that we’d buy a house together when I came back from my studies abroad and I had hoped that we would. Maybe it was just silly promises made while we were intoxicated but we lived in that moment.

What I didn’t know then was that we weren’t going to make it. I didn’t even realize we wouldn’t even last until before I left the country.

We didn’t make it, we almost did, almost, and that’s the worst thing in life, isn’t it? To have almost been, to have almost made it.

She was the most amazing person I have ever met in my life, she was kind and she was patient. She was forgiving even when she had no reason to be. She was strong when I wasn’t, she was hopeful when my hopes were all gone. I can only blame myself for driving her away weeks before I left because I was afraid and I felt undeserving.

I never believed in myself or that I was ever enough for anyone, then she came along and built me up to be so much more than I ever was. She pushed me to the edge only to make me realise that it’s okay to fall. I had hope that we could be, that we were much bigger than the trials ahead of us. I remember the night when my faith was shaking and I was bawling into her chest, telling her how scared I was to leave her behind, she held my hand and said:

“You really love me. It’s okay, we’ll be okay, we’ll make it out of this, the distance can’t break us. I’ll wait for you to come back.”

And I knew how afraid she was of the distance, that a single touch would take months and that she’d feel lost here. I knew how afraid she was because I was too. I lost this beautiful girl because I was so afraid, I told her that it was okay to be afraid, because that’s when you know it’s real but I failed to tell myself that and I acted out in fear and I lost her. Every time I look at her face in our pictures, it’s a constant reminder that we could’ve been, we could’ve been something great, had I not made the mistakes I made and it breaks my heart thinking about it. She was the light at the end of my tunnel and now that she’s gone, it’s pitch black and I don’t know where to go from here. I can only wish that time would give me the chance to mend what I’ve broken.

I hope she finds this some day. She was the one I wanted most to stay but I ended up driving her away.

There hasn’t been a day where I don’t remember her face and her touch. There hasn’t been a day where I don’t love her. I hope she doesn’t regret me, I hope she forgives me and I hope, no matter what, she’ll never forget about me.