We Should Bring Back Bullying


Bullying has gotten a bad rap lately. Case studies show victims of bullying suffer from symptoms of depression and anxiety, and sometimes they even commit suicide. But let’s not forget the practical purpose that bullying serves: To remind people who like art that they’re not normal and shouldn’t grow up feeling good about themselves.

Bullying is as important as breast milk or finding a Playboy magazine in the woods. It’s part of growing up. It makes people tough. Or it destroys them. If you want to make an omelet, you’ve got to ruin some lives. And, as we all know, omelets are the only worthwhile kind of food. Simply put, we need more bullies!

In addition to a renaissance of good old-fashioned torment for nerds, dweebs, wimps, freaks, queers, and weirdos, here are a few more institutions I’d like to see make a comeback.

The Mortgage Crisis

Our lame, sissy economy had had it too easy for too long. Unemployment was low. The dollar was strong. Fanny Mae and Freddie Mac were right to offer subprime mortgages to unqualified homebuyers. If they couldn’t handle having their dreams offered to them at a dangerously unsustainable cost, they shouldn’t have allowed themselves to be swindled by vastly more educated people who pretended to have their best interests at heart. That’s something losers do. The mortgage crisis put those losers in their place…by evicting them from their homes.

Now the economy seems to be stabilizing again. The unemployment rate is dropping. And a lot of idiots seem to think this is good. We need another mortgage crisis. If we let people who aren’t super rich buy homes and pay off their loans, what kind of country will we be? A weak one about to get taken over by China. If poor people can’t stop being poor, that’s their problem.

Witch Trials

Nowadays, witches go unpunished far too often. Women walk around wearing pants and voting and otherwise behaving in strange and evil ways. Some of them even practice Wicca and other bona fide manners of witchcraft. Religious freedom has to have its limits, right? We can’t let this unbridled pants-wearing and earth spirit worshiping go on without reprecussions. It’s time to bring witch trials back!

A witch trial is fair. A woman, accused of being a witch, will be laden with rocks and thrust into a nearby lake. If she floats, she is a witch and must be burnt at the stake. Which is as American as BBQ. If she sinks, she was not a witch and gets to go to heaven. So it’s a win-win, really. Just like bullying.

The Bubonic Plague

Epidemics are like nature’s bullies. They weed out the people with weak immune systems so only the strong survive. If you can’t stand a little plague, maybe you should drink some more orange juice and do some pushups.

Aww, you got bit by a rat and have an easily curable disease but no access to medication? Boo hoo. If you want communist health care, you should move to Canada or Iceland or some other place where weak people talk stupid and cater to wimps.

If you can’t afford health care for your children, why did you have children? If you want human rights, you have to pay a corporation for them. That’s how it works! Pioneers lost children on the Oregon Trail all the time, and it just made their wagons lighter and their trips faster.

We need a new plague, Bubonic or otherwise.

Hurricane Katrina

Hurricane Katrina devastated the city of New Orleans. It killed countless citizens and forced thousands of others out of their homes. That’s exactly the kind of kick in the butt a weird city like New Orleans needed. I mean, come on; it’s a quarter French. Seriously? No city in my America is that French. Next thing you know all of Louisiana will be wearing berets and pronouncing “croissant” like “cwussonn.” Yeah right. Not on my watch.

So what if the city has never fully recovered? That just means that it was a pussy and deserved to be bullied by a hurricane in the first place. That’s what you get for having all that culture.

Serial Killers

Serial killers keep people on their toes. Seriously. Ted Bundy and John Wayne Gacy were just thinning the herd. If you don’t want to get murdered, maybe try not being a lady or a child, dummy. Serial killers are the best bullies, because the people that overcome them are physically stronger or faster than they are. That’s what Darwin intended when he invented evolution.

Maybe you’re the kind of liberal wimp that thinks people shouldn’t be serial killed. Oh, okay. You’re probably also the kind of chump who has “ethical qualms” with Columbus Day on the grounds that a lot of rape and genocide happened under Christopher Columbus’s watch. Whatever.
I’ve got two words for you, nerd. Survival and ofthefittest. If you’re too weak not to get murdered by a stranger, then good riddance. I bet you spent your entire childhood getting your football pulled away from you by a little girl. The world needs less Charlie Browns and more Charles Mansons.

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image – Bertha Crowley